Newest jokes

If athletes get athlete's foot, astronauts get missile toe.

A bird dog could be called a point setter.

James Fenimore Cooper wrote about the life of Santa Claus in his novel The Deer Sleigher.

What's the difference between a one-winged angel and a two-winged angel?
→ It's a matter of a pinion!

It's a matter of my opinion that Yule love the game we're about to play. In each sentence below, fill in the blank or blanks with an expression commonly used at Christmastide. Answers repose at the end of this column.

1. On December 24, Adam's wife was known as [blank] [blank].
2. In Charles Dickens's A Christmas Carol, Scrooge was visited by the ghost of [blank] [blank].
3. An opinion survey in Alaska is called a [blank] [blank].
4. What does Santa Claus do with his three gardens? [blank], [blank], [blank]
5. What Christmas message is conveyed by these letters?: ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ. [blank], [blank]
6. When the salt and the pepper say "Hi!" to each other, they are passing on [blank] [blank].
7. A holy man bereft of change could be called [blank] [blank].
8. When you cross a sheep with a cicada, you get a [blank] [blank].
9. A quiet medieval armor-wearer is a [blank] [blank].
10. A cat walking on the desert is bound to get [blank] [blank].
11. People who tell jokes on December 25 might be called [blank] [blank].
12. An airplane disaster in Israel is a [blank].
13. Actor O'Connor and actress Channing are known on December 25 as [blank] [blank].
14. What do Spanish sheep says when they wish each other a Merry Christmas? [blank] [blank].

Meretricious to all! And don't forget that There's No Plate Like Chrome for the Hollandaise.

Answers

1. Christmas Eve
2. Christmas Present
3. North Poll
4. Hoe, hoe, hoe.
5. Noel, (no L)
6. seasons' greetings.
7. St. Nickleless.
8. Bah! (or Baa!) Humbug!
9. silent knight
10. sandy claws
11. Christmas cards
12. cresh
13. Christmas Carols
14. Fleece Navidad!

Why Beer is Better than Women

1. YOU CAN ENJOY A BEER ALL MONTH LONG.
2. BEER STAINS WASH OUT.
3. YOU DON'T HAVE TO WINE AND DINE BEER.
4. YOUR BEER WILL ALWAYS WAIT PATIENTLY FOR YOU IN THE CAR WHILE YOU PLAY FOOTBALL.
5. WHEN YOUR BEER GOES FLAT, YOU TOSS IT OUT.
6. BEER IS NEVER LATE.
7. A BEER DOESN'T GET JEALOUS WHEN YOU GRAB ANOTHER BEER.
8. HANGOVERS GO AWAY.
9. BEER LABELS COME OFF WITHOUT A FIGHT.
10. WHEN YOU GO TO A BAR, YOU KNOW YOU CAN ALWAYS PICK UP A BEER.
11. BEER NEVER HAS A HEADACHE.
12. YOU DON'T HAVE TO DRIVE A BEER HOME IN THE MORNING.
13. A BEER WON'T GET UPSET IF YOU COME HOME WITH ANOTHER BEER.
14. IF YOU POUR A BEER RIGHT, YOU'LL ALWAYS GET GOOD HEAD.
15. A BEER ALWAYS GOES DOWN EASY.
16. YOU CAN HAVE MORE THAN ONE BEER IN A NIGHT AND NOT FEEL GUILTY.
17. YOU CAN SHARE A BEER WITH YOUR FRIENDS.
18. YOU ALWAYS KNOW YOU'RE THE FIRST ONE TO POP A BEER.
19. BEER IS ALWAYS WET.
20. BEER DOESN'T DEMAND EQUALITY.
21. YOU CAN HAVE A BEER IN PUBLIC.
22. A BEER DOESN'T CARE WHEN YOU COME.
23. A FRIGID BEER IS A GOOD BEER.
24. YOU DON'T HAVE TO WASH A BEER BEFORE IT TASTES GOOD.
25. IF YOU CHANGE BEERS YOU DON'T HAVE TO PAY ALIMONY.

Temperatures

- 60 degrees - Californians put their sweaters on.

- 50 degrees - Miami residents turn on the heat.

- 45 degrees - Vermont residents go to outdoor concert.

- 40 degrees - You can see your breath, Californians shiver uncontrollably, Minnesotans go swimming.

- 35 degrees - Italians cars don't start.

- 32 degrees - Water freezes.

- 30 degrees - You plan your vacation in Australia.

- 25 degrees - Ohio water freezes, Californians weep pitiably, Minnesotans eat ice cream, Canadians go swimming.

- 20 degrees - Politicians begin to talk about the homeless, New York City water freezes, Miami residents plan vacation farther south.

- 15 degrees - French cars don't start, cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you.

- 10 degrees - You need jumper cables to get the car going.

- 5 degrees - American cars don't start.

- 0 degrees - Alaskans put on T-shirts.

- -10 degrees - German cars don't start, eyes freeze shut when you step outside.

- -15 degrees - You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo, Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects, Miami residents cease to exist.

- -20 degrees - Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you, politicians actually do something about the homeless, Minnesotans shovel snow off roof, Japanese cars don't start.

- -25 degrees - Too cold to think, you need jumper cables to get the driver going.

- -30 degrees - You plan a two week hot bath, Swedish cars don't start.

- -40 degrees - Californians disappear, Minnesotans button top button, Canadians put on sweater, your car helps you plan your trip South.

- -50 degrees - Congressional hot air freezes, Alaskans close the bathroom window.

- -80 degrees - Polar bears move south, Green Bay Packer (and Buffalo Bills) fans order hot cocoa at the game.

- -90 degrees - Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.

- -100 degrees - Hell freezes over, Clinton finally tells all. Kenneth Starr moves in with Monica. Alaskans button top button. Santa moves operations to Panama.

How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?
→ 30 - 1 to make the batter and 29 to peel the smarties.

There were three ladies at the obstetrician's office, waiting to see what their results were. When the first young woman came back to the waiting room, she was very happy.

- I'm going to have a boy! - she declared.

- The doctor said that if my husband was on top, I would have a boy.

When the second young woman came back, she was very happy, too.

- I'm going to have a girl! The doctor said that if I was on top, I would have a girl.

Suddenly, the third young woman burst into tears. The other two tried to console her, but all she could say was:

- I'm going to have a puppy!

What do you call a donkey with three legs?
→ A wonkey!

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
→ A flat minor!

Once, there were two bikers driving down the highway on a cold afternoon.

- Man! - commented one...

- it's FREEZING!!! and my coat won't zip up. The cold air is killing me!!

The other biker thought for a minute as they sped down the road.

- Well - he said at last...

- you can turn your jacket around, then the open side would be at the back. You wouldn't get so cold that way.

- Great idea! - commented the other.

- stop and let me switch.

The driver pulled over, and the passenger put his jacket on backwards.

- There! - he said when he had completed the switch.

- I feel better already.

The two of them climbed back on the motorcycle and drove off. Then, suddenly they hit a patch of ice on the road, and spun off and crashed. A few minutes later a crowd had gathered, and when the ambulance arrived, the EMTs shouted out:

- Is anybody hurt?

One guy from the crowd replied:

- Well, the driver was dead when I got here, and the other guy was doing alright until we fixed his head.

Buckwheat & Darla were in school, and the teacher asks Darla:

- How do you spell 'dumb'?

Darla says:

- d-u-m-b, dumb.

The teacher says:

- very good, now use it in a sentence.

She says:

- Buckwheat is dumb.

Now spell "stupid".
Darla says:

- s-t-u-p-i-d, stupid.

The teacher says:

- very good, now use it in a sentence.

Darla says:

- Buckwheat is stupid.

Then the teacher calls on Buckwheat and says:

- Buckwheat, spell dictate.

Buckwheat stands and says:

- d-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate.

The teacher says:

- very good, now use it in a sentence.

- I may be dumb, and I may be stupid, but Darla says my dictate good!

Well, I was interviewing Hillary Clinton the other day, and we came to the subject of her and Bill's sex life. I asked her "Hillary, is your sex life with Bill anything like what he had with Monica?", and she said "Well, close but no cigar."