Guest
Heavy Metal Guitarist
How do you get a heavy metal guitarist to stop playing guitar?
→ Put sheet music in front of him.
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Guest
A Duck
What does a duck like to eat?
→ A quacker!
Guest
Book Titles
"Bloody Stump" by: Rusty Zipper
"Sliding Down a Flagpole" by: Dick Burns
"Brown Spots on the Wall" By: Whoflung Dung
Guest
The Farmer Boy
There was a virgin who wanted to marry a farmer boy.
One day, she went to his parents' house for dinner. When they got done eating dinner, they decided to go for a walk through the pasture. While they were walking, they came upon 2 horses that were mating. She looks at them with wonder because she has never seen anything like this before.
She asks the boy:
- What are they doing?
He says:
- They're making love.
- Well, what's that long thing he's sticking in there? - she asked.
- Oh, uh, that's his rope - he answered.
- Well, what are those two round things on the other end? - she asked.
He says:
- Those are his knots.
She says:
- Oh, ok, I got it.
As they continue their stroll, they come to a barn and go in. She looks at him and says:
- I want you to make love to me the way those animals were.
Surprised and excited, the boy agrees.
While they are getting at it all hot and heavy, she grabs his balls and squeezes.
- Whoa, what are you doing?! - he shouts.
The girl innocently replies:
- I'm untying the knots so I'll get more rope!
Guest
Wrong Side Of The Bar
A guy walks into a bar. He's a rather large, menacing chap. He chugs back a beer and says:
- All the guys on this side of the bar are cocksuckers! Anyone got a problem with that?
Everyone is understandably silent.
He then, chugs back another beer and says:
- All the guys on the other side of the bar are motherfuckers! Anyone got a problem with that?
Everyone is silent, again.
Then one man gets up from his stool and starts to walk toward the man.
- You got a problem, buddy?
- No, I'm just on the wrong side of the bar!
Guest
The New Nun
The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret and he tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional.
She says:
- Father, I never wear panties under my habit.
The priest chuckles and says:
- That's not so serious. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers, and do six cartwheels on your way to the altar.
Guest
If You Love Something
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with. If, however, it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and never appears to have noticed that you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it!
Guest
Christmas One Liners
Why are sheep always in a field?
→ Because they can't get out !
Who gives my cat his Christmas presents?
→ Santa Paws!
Who gives my other cat his Christmas presents?
→ Santa Claws!
What did the hat say to the scarf?
→ You hang around while i go ahead!
Whats the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?
→ Snowballs!
What did mary say to santa during the storm?
→ Look at that rain, dear!
Where do plumbers buy there presents?
→ Bath!
Why is it best to park your car near the moon?
→ Because there is a lot of space!
What is the use of reindeer?
→ It makes the garden grow sweetie!
How many legs does rudolph have?
→ Four? No, six. - he's got forelegs and two back legs!
What game do six reindeer play in the back of a mini?
→ Squash!
Why did the reindeer take his nose apart?
→ To see what made it run!
What do you call a reindeer that has a number on its tail?
→ Reg!
Did you hear the story of the 3 reindeer?
→ No. Oh deer, Oh deer, Oh deer
Why do reindeers have wrinkled ankles?
→ Because they lace there boot too tight!
What did santa give the death fisherman for christmas?
→ A herring aid!
Whats the worst thing to get for christmas?
→ Measles!
Where is the best place to buy your dog a christmas present?
→ Leeds!
Where does noddy do his christmas shopping?
→ Redcar!
Where does the queen do her christmas shopping?
→ Newcastle!
What happens if you get too hot at a football match?
→ Sit a bit closer to one of the fans.
Guest
Blonde Safe Sex
What is a blonde's way of having safe sex?
→ Locking the car doors!
Guest
Boomerang
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
→ A stick.