Newest jokes

Why did bill quit playing the saxophone?
→ To play his WhoreMonica

One day Bill Clinton was walking down the beach when he found a genie lamp. He rubbed it and a genie came out. He said to Bill:

- You have one wish.

Bill Clinton cried:

- But I thought you were supposed to have three wishes!

- Well you are the most powerful man in the world so I only allow one for you - replied the Genie.

Bill Clinton thought hard and said:

- Bring peace to the middle east.

He took out a map to show the Genie.

The genie said:

- Nope. Can't do that choose another wish.

This next wish came up right away.

- I want the WHOLE world to love Monica Lewinsky as much as I do

The Genie stared at him with a raised an eyebrow. The Genie replied quickly:

- Um...can I take a look at that map again?

A group of blondes walks into a bar, all excited and giggling. They order a round of drinks.

One of the blondes raises her glass and shouts excitedly:

- 51!!

- 51!!

The other blondes echo. After they have finished their drinks, another round is ordered. Again, the blondes toast "51". This happens a few times.

Finally, the bartender speaks up:

- Excuse me - He says:

- But why do you ladies keep doing that?

- Well - Says one of the blondes, very bubbly:

- We got a puzzle, right? And it said 2-4 years on the box. We finished it in 51 days!!!!!

TOP 10 REJECTION LINES GIVEN BY WOMEN (and what they actually mean)

10. I think of you as a brother.. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")
11. There's a slight difference in our ages.. (I don't want to do my dad)
12. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on.)
13. My life is too complicated right now.. I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)
14. I've got a boyfriend .. (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's)..
15. I don't date men where I work.. (I wouldn't date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)
16. It's not you, it's me.. (It's you.)
17. I'm concentrating on my career.. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)
18. I'm celibate.. (I've sworn off only the men like you.)

and the number 1 rejection line given by women (and what it really means)

1. Let's be friends.. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male perspective thing.)

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Men (and what they actually mean...)

10. I think of you as a sister. (You're ugly.)
11. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You're ugly.)
12. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You're ugly.)
13. My life is too complicated right now. (You're ugly.)
14. I've got a girlfriend. (You're ugly.)
15. I don't date women where I work. (You're ugly.)
16. It's not you, it's me. (You're ugly.)
17. I'm concentrating on my career. (You're ugly.)
18. I'm celibate. (You're ugly.)

and the number 1 rejection line given by men (and what it actually means)

1. Let's be friends. (You're sinfully ugly.)

What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?
→ A woman that won't do what she's told.

What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?
→ Marriage.

How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
→ None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.

What's the difference between your wife and your job?
→ After 5 years your job will still suck.

Top Ten Signs Your Relationship Is On The Rocks

10. Her term of affection for you is "You Bastard."
11. She shaves your eyebrows off while you are asleep.
12. She rushes to answer the phone each time it rings, and puts it down with a hushed:

- I can't talk now... I'll call you later.

7. Your picture on her wall has darts in it.
8. She reads books like "Women are From Venus, Men Are Complete Assholes."
9. She falls asleep during sex. The oral kind. While she's giving it.
10. When you call her, she answers your voice with:

- Oh. It's only you.

3. She cancels your date because she has to clean out the septic tank.
4. She makes inquiries about going on the Witness Protection Program.

And the Number One Sign Your Relationship Is On The Rocks...

1. Her cat pees on you. And receives a reward.