Two Boll Weevils grew up in South Carolina, one went to Hollywood and became a famous actor while the other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much.
The second one, naturally, became known as the "lesser of two weevils."
A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the old west and siddles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw!"
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the hotel manager came out of his office and asked them to disperse.
- But why? - they asked, as they moved off.
- Because, - he said - I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal' while the other goes to a family in Spain and is named 'Juan'. Years later Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds...:
- But they are twins and if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
A Doctor made it his regular habit to stop at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the Doctor's drink waiting for him at precisely 5:03 PM. One afternoon, as the end of the workday approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The Doctor came in and took a sip of the drink and exclaimed:
- This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!
- No, I'm sorry - replied the bartender...
- It's a hickory daiquiri, Doc.
- Ted: Last night my computer died.
- Ned: What did it die of?
- Ted: A terminal illness
Don't steal... The government doesn't like competition!
Two pieces of string walk into a bar. The first one walks up to the bar and says:
- Barkeep! Give me a beer!
The bartender replies:
- Well uh..aren't you a piece of string?
The piece of string answers:
- Yeah!
And the bartender says:
- Well get out of here! We don't serve your kind!
So the first piece of string walks back towards the door. The second piece of string says:
- Hey wait, hold on a minute!
- You're not doing it right, watch this.
He ties himself in a knot and frizzes out the top of his head. He walks up to the bar and says:
- Barkeep! Give me a beer!
The bartender said:
- Aren't you a piece of string?
The piece of strings replies:
- Nope, I'm afraid not!
What's better than winning 4 gold medals at the special olympics?
→ Not being retarded!
You're so stupid, you got locked in a grocery store and starved!!
