Okay, so this blonde is driving by in his red sports car, and he sees another blonde rowing with oars in a cornfield.
Well, he is just absolutely furious and he gets out of the car and yells to the blonde in the cornfield:
- Hey, if I knew how to swim, I'd go right out there and give you a piece of my mind!
What's coming but never comes?
→ Tomorrow!
One Day The President was out jogging without his guards.
All of a sudden a man with a ski mask jumped out from behind some bushes with a gun.
The masked man said:
- Give me all your money!
Unwilling to do so, the President said:
- You can't do this, I'm the President!
The man then replied:
- Oh, never mind then. Give me MY money!
A swedish man was bored. He was bored with his work, bored with his life in general. He felt as there was nothing waiting for him in this life... ...until one day, in the breakfast table, he was reading the morning paper, when he saw an article, which would change his life. It said:
- ...
- Scientist's had found out, that somewhere in Africa, one could still find tribes of genuine cavemen, untouched by civilization. Only thing needed was to find the correct cave and shout "Wohoo!!" and the tribe would answer to this call.
- This is it! - the swede thought.
- This is what I've been waiting for! I'll sell everything I own, go to Africa, find these cavemen, and become rich and famous!
And so he did. He sells everything, moves to Africa and starts looking for the tribe. But cave after cave after cave, no answer. No cavemen. Until one day, yet another cave, and another yell:
- Juhuuu!!
And then he heard it!
- WWOOOOUU WOOOOOO !!!!
- Härregud! - The Swede thought.
- A whole tribe!
And just as he was starting to run to the cave, he thought:
- Now wait a minute. These are cavemen. They don't wear any clothes, and I might scare then off.
So he stripped his clothes off quickly, and started to run into the cave.
And the following day, he was in the headlines all over the world:
- Naked Swede ran over by a train in Africa
Ever hear about the blonde coyote who got a leg stuck in a trap - she chewed off three legs and was still stuck!
How many Bill Gates does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ One - he puts it in the socket and lets the world revolve around him.
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor.
The doctor says:
- Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?
The mother says:
- It's my daughter Darla, she keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight and is sick most mornings.
The doctor gives Darla a good examination then turns to the mother and says:
- Well, I don't know how to tell you this but your Darla is pregnant - about 4 months would be my guess.
The mother says:
- Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you Darla?
Darla says:
- No mother! I've never even kissed a man!
The doctor walks over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says:
- Is there something wrong out there doctor?
The doctor replies:
- No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!
There were three guys in a new bar that just openened and the bartender asked them what he should call his new bar.
One guy said:
- just name it a pub.
Another said:
- just name it the bar.
The thrid guy said:
- name it Suzy's Legs.
The owner like that one so he called his bar Suzy's Legs.
The next morning, this same guy and his dog were sitting in front of the bar waiting for it to open when a cop drove by and asked what he was doing?
He replied...nothing officer...:
- just waiting for Suzy's Legs to open so I can get a drink!
When I die I want to go peacefully -- like my grandfather did -- In his sleep.
Not screaming like the passengers in his car.
Clinton was asked who was a better lover: Monica Lewinsky or Paula Jones.
His response: Paula was good, but no cigar.
