Newest jokes

The Queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.

- Oh my God, - said the Queen, - that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?

The Doctor leading the tour explains:

- I am sorry your highness, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that 5 times a day, they'll explode, and he would die instantly.

- Oh, I am sorry, - said the Queen.

On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient oral sex.

- Oh my God, - said the Queen, - what's happening in there?

The Doctor replied:

- Same problem, better health plan.

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

President Yeltsin, President Clinton and Bill Gates are invited to have dinner with God. During dinner He tells them:

- I needed three important people to send my message out to all the people: Tomorrow I will destroy the Earth.

Yeltsin immediately calls together his cabinet and announces:

- I have two really bad news items. God really exists, and tomorrow he will destroy the earth.

Clinton calls an emergency meeting of congress and announces:

- I have good news and bad news. The good news is God really does exist; the bad news is tomorrow he's destroying the Earth.

Gates goes back to Microsoft and tells his employees:

- I have two pieces of great news. First, I am one of the three most important people on earth, and second, I think I've got the Y2K problem fixed.

Who did the dyslexic satanist worship?
→ Santa.

There were 4 monkeys in a tree.

Why did the first monkey fall out of the tree?
→ It died.

Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
→ It was tied on to the first monkey.

Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
→ It got hit by the first two.

Why did the fourth monkey fall out of the tree?
→ Peer pressure.

What is the difference between a newfie and a bucket of shit...
→ The Bucket

A man walks into a doctors office one day with a frog on his head.

He sits down and the doctor says:

- What's the problem?

The frog says:

- Doctor, is there any way you can get this wart off my ass?

Monica needed to get one of her dresses cleaned so she takes it to the dry cleaners. The man working there was an elderly man and was hard of hearing.

Monica said:

- I need this dress cleaned.

The man said:

- Come again?

Monica replied:

- No, it's just mustard.

A long time ago, way back then...we used to spell Canada, Cnd.

Why? you ask. Well it's really simple...

It's because we forgot the eh?

A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying:

- T-G-I-F (letters only).

He smiled at her and replied:

- S-H-I-T (letters only).

She looked at him, puzzled, and said:

- T-G-I-F again.

He acknowledged her remark again by answering:

- S-H-I-T.

The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly:

- T-G-I-F another time.

The man smiled:

- S-H-I-T.

The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said:

- T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?

The man answered:

- Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday.