Newest jokes

How many Kentucky basketball fans does it take to roof a house?
→ Three, if you slice them really thin.

Little Johnny walks into his mother's room and catches her topless.

Mommy, Mommy, what are those? He says pointing to her breasts.

Well, son, These are balloons, and when you die, they inflate and float you up to heaven.

Incredibly, he appears to believe this explanation and goes off quite satisfied. Two days later while his mother is making tea, he rushes into the kitchen. Mommy, Mommy, Aunt Eliza is dying!

What do you mean? Says his mother.

Well, she's out in the garden shed, lying on the floor with both of her balloons out. Daddy is trying to blow them up for her and she keeps yelling, God, I'm coming! God, I'm coming!

A Horse walks into a bar: "Hey buddy," says the bartender, "why the long face?"

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a considerable amount of whiskey at a local pub. As he staggered down the road, he felt quite sleepy and decided to take a nap, with his back against a tree.

As he slept, two young lasses walked down the road and heard the Scotsman snoring loudly. They saw him, and one said:

- I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt.

She boldly walked over to the sleeping man, raised his kilt, and saw what nature had provided him at his birth.

Her friend said:

- Well, he has solved a great mystery for us, now! He must be rewarded!

So, she took a blue ribbon from her hair, and gently tied it around what nature had provided the Scotsman, and the two walked away.

Some time later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature, and walked around to the other side of the tree to relieve himself. He raised his kilt...and saw where the blue ribbon was tied.

After several moments of bewilderment, the Scotsman said...

- I don't know where y'been lad...but it's nice ta'know y'won first prize!

There were three men. Joe, Rich, and Scott. They were all camping in the woods, and they knew they had to stop for the night. Joe suggested they stop where they were right there, a nice clear, wooded area. Rich agreed, but Scott disagreed, because there was nothing interesting around, only trees. They kept hiking for a little longer, and came across a small clear area, right next to the highway. Both Joe and Rich wanted to stay there because there was no stumps, or moss around, and the sounds of the cars could help to put them asleep. Scott said no, because he found a small ant farm 500 meters away, and was scared the ants might come, and get them. SO they kept hiking, and finally, they came to the end of the woods, and stepped onto the highway. Scott was mystified, and wanted to sleep right smack dab in the middle of the highway. It was interesting, and he wanted to look at all the different liscence plates, as they drove by. Joe and Rich were so upset, because, obviously, that was the LAST place that they wanted to sleep in! But, they were too tired to argue, so they set up their tent in the middle of the highway and went to sleep. They slept soundly through the night, but were awaked a couple of times by the sound of cars beeping, and crashing. The next morning, they awoke early, and noticed a huge pileup of cars right off the highway, in the spot they had earlier chosen. Feeling proud, Scott said: "See, guys? Imagine what would of happened if we slept there last night!"

There was this guy who was sick so he went to the doctor. The doc ran some tests and sent him home with some medicine. The next day the doctor called and the wife answered.

- I'm going to have to run a few more tests - the doctor said:

- I'm going to need a semen, urine and a fecal sample.

After she hung up the husband asked:

- What did the doctor say?

- Oh the doctor is going to need a pair of your underwear.

Why isn't gambling allowed in Africa?
→ Because of all the cheetahs.

What's the difference between an English Sheepherder and Mick Jagger?
→ Mick Jagger sings:

- Hey, Hey, you, you, get off of my cloud.

An English sheepherder says:

- Hey, Hey MacCloud! Get off of my ewe!

A new neighbor arrives. The kids meet.

The local kid:

- My mom was born in California! Where was your mom born?

The other kid answers:

- Alaska

The first one replies:

- Gee, then don't worry about it... I'll ask'er myself!

Once, there were three guys stranded on an island, and the mainland was 100 miles away.

The first guy swam 25 miles, and drowned.

The second guy swam 50 miles, and drowned.

The third guy swam 99 miles, and said:

- I'm tired. I think I'll swim back.