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- FARMER: Who raided my vegetable patch?

- PIGLET: Beets me!

- Doctor, doctor, I've got a little sty.

- Then you'd better buy a little pig.

Do pigs like Backgammon?
→ No, they prefer their backs scratched.

Did you hear the story about the razorback hog?
→ It's pretty dull.

Did you hear of the pig who began hiding garbage in November?
→ She wanted to do her Christmas slopping early.

Did you hear about the pigs who took up motorcycling?
→ They wanted to catch bugs with their teeth.

Did you hear about the pig's vacation?
→ They had a wonderful time at Yellowstone National Park. They dressed up as bears and raided all the garbage cans.

Did you hear about the piglets who wanted to do something special for mother's day?
What did they do?
→ They threw a sowprize party.

Did you hear about the pig who tried to start a hot-air balloon business?
→ He couldn't get it off the ground.

Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop?
→ He called it "Ham Hocks".

A mother of two teenage boys, was constantly being asked to look for things they couldn't find. Most of the time these items were directly in front of them. Seeing her frustration over this when it happened yet again, one of her sons remarked:

"It's not my fault, Mom. I don't have 'parental vision.'"

- Father: I know the answer to your bad grades. You're spending too much time watching television.

- Son: I'm sorry, you'll have to phrase that in the form of a question.

Pride is what you feel when your kids net $143 from a garage sale.
Panic is what you feel when you realize your car is missing.

- Father: Son at your age, Winston Churchill used be up and out for his morning walk at 5 a.m.

- Son: Dad, at your age, he had become the Prime Minister of England.

- Girl: Mom, mom a monster's just bitten my foot off.

- Mom: Well, keep out of the kitchen, I've just washed the floor.

What do you call a small parent?
→ A minimum!

- Father: I want to take my girl out of this terrible math class.

- Teacher: But she's top of the class.

- Father: That's why I think it must be a terrible class.

- Boy: Dad, Dad, come out. My sister's fighting this ten foot gargoyle with three heads.

- Dad: No, I'm not coming out. She's going to have to learn to look after herself.

- Come here, you greedy wretch. I'll teach you to eat all your sister's birthday chocs.

- It's all right Dad, I know how!

Teddy came thundering down the stairs, much to his father's annoyance.

'Teddy,' he called, 'how many more times have I got to tell you to come down the stairs quietly? Now, go back up and come down like a civilised human being.'

There was a silence, and Teddy reappeared in the front room.

'That's better,' said his father. 'Now will you always come down stairs like that?'

'Suits me,' said Teddy. 'I slid down the bannister.'

- Dad: Why is your January report card so bad?

- Son: Well, you know how it is. Things are always marked down after Christmas!

Did you hear about the little boy who was named after his father?
→ They called him Dad!

Mrs. Ellis came home from work one evening to find her three-year-old son lighting up a cigar. She raced into the kitchen where her husband was making dinner.

"Hey!" she announced. "This is terrible! I just caught Matthew lighting a cigar!"

"You put a stop to that right now," he shouted.

"That kid is altogether too young to be playing with matches!"

Old-fashioned Zachary approached Lureen's father, intent upon asking him for her hand in marriage.

"Sir," he blurted out, "I have an attachment for your daughter, and"

"See here, young man," interrupted the parent, "when my daughter needs accessories, I'll buy them myself."

During a flood in a small Ohio town, a young girl was perched on top of a house with a little boy.

As they sat watching articles float along with the water, they noticed a baseball cap float by. Suddenly, the cap turned and came back, then turned around and went downstream. After it had gone some distance, it turned again and came back.

"Do you see that baseball cap?" said the girl. "First it goes downstream, then turns around and comes back."

"Oh, that's my dad," replied the boy. "This morning he said that come hell or high water, he was going to cut the grass today."