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A truck driver who had been delivering radioactive waste for the local reactor begins to feel sick after a few years on the job. He decided to seek compensation for his ailment. Upon his arrival at the workers' compensation department, he is interviewed by an assessor.

- Assessor: I see you work with radio-active materials and wish to claim compensation.

- Trucker: Yeah, I feel really sick.

- Assessor: Alright then, Does your employer take measures to protect you from radiation poisoning?

- Trucker: Yeah, he gives me a lead suit to wear on the job.

- Assessor: And what about the cabin in which you drive?

- Trucker: Oh yeah. That's lead lined, all lead lined.

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

A young man, hired by a supermarket, reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."

"But I'm a college graduate." the young man replied indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom, I'll show you how."

The boss called one of his employees into the office. "Rob," he said, "you've been with the company for a year. You started off in the post room, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department. Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice-chairman. Now it's time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company. What do you say to that?"

"Thanks," said the employee.

"Thanks?" the boss replied. "Is that all you can say?"

"I suppose not," the employee said. "Thanks, Dad."

"Jim will not be in today. He is not feeling himself. Thank you."

THIS MEANS:

1. He doesn't feel the way he usually does.
2. He is not in complete control of his hands.
3. His emotions are shattered.
4. His skin is numb.
5. He has transformed into an alter-ego (i.e. professional wrestler)
6. He is not feeling himself, in a biblical sense.
7. He has been covered in saran-wrap.
8. He is in an isolation tank.

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat, the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!"

"That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"

The hotel Astor had hired a new bus driver and instructed him to meet all incoming trains and announce at the depot in a very loud voice, "Free bus to the hotel Astor!" On the way to the station on his first trip he kept repeating to himself, "Free bus to the hotel Astor, Free bus to the hotel Astor," until he memorized it letter perfect. Upon his arrival at the station, however, he became confused at all the noise and hub bub and started shouting as follows.

"Free hotel at the bust your Astor, I mean, Free ass at the Hotel Bastard, I mean, Freeze your ass at the Hotel Buster, I mean Squeeze your bust at the Hotel Faster, I mean, Bust your ass at the Hotel Freezer, Oh shit...take a cab."

Like a lot of young women these days, one of our secretaries had worked long and hard to put her boyfriend through college. After he graduated and passed his bar exam, I asked her if they planned to be married soon.

She looked at me with a big smile and said, "Oh no! Not right away. I want him to practice for at least six months first."

Returning from her vacation, the young secretary was telling anyone who would listen about what a fun time she had. She then asked for two weeks leave in which to get married.

"But you just had two weeks off," said the boss. "Why didn't you get married then ?"

"What and ruin my vacation ?" she whined.

A well respected Doctor and his wife were having drinks in the lobby of the theater during the opening nite of a musical during intermission. A blonde shimmied by that had to have had what there was of her evening gown spray painted on her curvy body.

She smiled and gushed, "Well, hello there Doc." and kept right on going.

After a moment's pause, the good doctor looked at his wife and said, "Don't worry dear, that's just a young lady I know professionally."

Without missing a beat, his wife asked, "Hers or Yours ?"

What is the worst thing that can happen to a bat while it sleeps?
→ Diarrhoea!

Why don't oysters give to charity?
→ Because they're shellfish.

An old lady owned two monkeys. One day they both died, so she took them to the taxidermist.

"So you want them mounted?" asked the taxidermist.

To which she replied: "No. Holding hands will do just fine."

How do you catch an elephant?
→ First you dig a big hole, and fill it with wood and ash. Then you take a load of peas and line them up around the hole. Then, when the elephant goes to take a pea, kick him in the ash-hole!

What's the biggest drawback in the jungle?
→ The Elephants foreskin.

A double whammy:

Why do elephants paint thier testicles red?
→ So they can hide in cherry trees.

What's the loudest noise in the jungle?
→ A Monkey eating cherries.

What's the difference between a duck and a cow?
→ They both swim, except for the cow.

A woman and her friend are visiting the zoo. They are standing in front of the big silver back gorilla's cage when one woman makes a gesture that the gorilla interprets as an invitation. He grabs her, yanks her over the fence, and takes her to his nest in the pen. There he ravishes her and makes passionate love to her for about 2 hours till he is tranquilized, and the lady taken to hospital.

Her friend, deeply concerned, visits her the next day. "Are you hurt?" she asks.

She replies, "Of course I'm hurt! He hasn't called! He hasn't written!"

This is what should happen to ALL CATS..!

HOW TO WASH THE CAT

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water and have both lids up.
3. Find the cat and soothe him while you carry him toward the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. (You may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape.) The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
   CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his claws will be reaching out for anything they can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a Power…

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too."

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation.

He wrote, "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. and I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you…

What do you call a dog with no back legs and balls of steel?
→ Sparky

What's the difference between a rotwieler and a poodle?
→ If a rotwieler starts humping your leg you let it finish.

What is the last thing to go through the mind of a mosquito when it hits your windscreen?
→ It's ass.

Why does an elephant have four feet?
→ Because it would look silly with six inches.