Iraqi TV Guide
MONDAY
8:00 Husseinfeld
8:30 Mad About Everything
9:00 Suddenly Sanctions
9:30 Allah McBeal
TUESDAY
8:00 Wheel of Fortune and Terror
8:30 The Price is Right if Saddam Says its Right
9:00 Children are Forbidden to Say The Darndest Things
What did Marv Albert do after NBC gave him the pink slip?
→ He put it on.
Did you hear that Ellen Degeneres has a new line of sneakers "coming out"?
→ They're called "dykeees". They have a longer than normal tongue and you can get them off with one finger!
What's the difference between Madonna and the Panama Canal?
→ Well, you see, the Panama canal is a busy ditch...
I went past a plastic surgeon's shop the other day and saw Michael Jackson picking his nose.
Have you heard about Michael Jackson's New Book?
→ It's called, "The In's and Out's of Child Rearing"
What did O.J. say to Goldman when he found him with his ex-wife?
→ Hey pal, mind if I cut in?
- Homer: Boy, you don't have to follow in my footsteps.
- Bart: Don't worry, I don't even like using the bathroom after you.
- Homer: Why you little -- !
A little boy was learning about God in his church, and he was talking to his mother about it. She, not wanting to place prejudice in the little boy's mind, sat him and said: "God is not a man or a woman, and God is not black or white."
To which the child responded, "Well, then is God Michael Jackson?"
Did you know that Mike Tyson has an upcoming bout with Prince Charles?
→ It seems that no-one else has big enough ears to go 12 rounds.
Lady Di is welcomed at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. Peter asks: "Oh dear, what happened to you?" Di answers: "I died in a car crash, but wait till you see my friend, he looks much worse". Half an hour later Dodi shows up and St. Peter says: "My God, you look terrible."
Dodi replies: "This is nothing. Wait till you see my driver."
Half an hour later some bones and flesh move slowly to the Gates, and St. Peter says: "So you're the driver?"
"No, I'm Mother Theresa."
David Copperfield is doing his magic show and asks if anyone would like to show him a trick. "I will", replies a guy in the audience, "but I'm going to need your wife Claudia and a table." "Ok", says David and the guy gets on stage.
He then bends Claudia over the table, pulls down her knickers and starts fucking her from behind. David is now very pissed off and says, "That isn't a trick!!!"
The guy just looks at David Copperfield and replies, "I know, it's fucking magic."
Mike Tyson gets out of jail and proceeds to do what he does best... find a woman with whom he may "commiserate". After a wild night of getting it on, it's time for the young lady to leave. As she's getting dressed, she and Mike are having a conversation. She says, "Lotsa guys want to know how it was. Well, I have good news and bad news for you. Which would you like first?" Mike thinks for a moment and says, "What the hell, give me the good news." She tells him, "The good news is that you're bigger than Magic Johnson."
What's the difference between Elton John and Princess Diana?
→ One's composing, the other is decomposing.
Did you hear that Princess Di was on the radio a couple of weeks ago?
→ Yep, and on the dashboard, and on the window, and on the hood....
Arnold Swartzeneger and Sylvester Stallone are making a movie about the lives of the great composers. Stallone says "I want to be Mozart." Swartzeneger says: "In that case... I'll be Bach."
What's O. J. Simpson's Internet address?
→ Slash, slash, backslash, slash, slash, escape.
What did Michael Jackson say when his cock slid in the little boys arse?
→ There is a great musician in you.
Why can't the government put Magic Johnson on a stamp?
→ Everyone would be afraid to lick it.
What's stiff and excites women?
→ Elvis Presley.
What's got 400 legs and no pubic hair?
→ The front row of a Hanson concert
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All…
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.
She called on him and said, "Johnny! what are 4, 2, 28 and 44?"
Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"
Stick your tongue out.
Move it up and down.
Relax.
Now move it left and right.
Well done! You have now completed Christopher Reeves workout video.
A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.
- Mother: What does the cow say?
- Child: Moooo!
- Mother: Great! What does the cat say?
- Child: Meow.
- Mother: Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?
And this wide-eyed little three-year-old looked up at her mother and replied, "Bud."
