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A wish for Christmas It is around christmas time and santa is sitting in the middle of the mall in his big holiday setup.

He has a line of kids lined up to sit on his lap and tell him what they want for christmas. As the line dwindles down; a little 5 year old boy comes up and sits on santas lap. Santa says to the little boy"I bet I know what you want for christmas". "I bet you want a puppy, P-U-P-P-Y"; touching the tip of the little boys nose with his finger after every letter of the word. The little boy responds"Nope". So santa again says"Then I bet you want a bike,B-I-K-E"; as he again touched the tip of the little boys nose with his finger. The little boy again said"Nope". Well santa's…

A little girl came running into the house crying and miserable from a small cut she just received. She asked her mom for a glass of cider. "Why do you want cider?" asked Mom. "To take the pain away," sobbed the little girl. Tired of all the tears, Mom poured her a glass. The little girl immediately put her hand into the drink. "It doesn't work!" she yelled. "What do you mean?" asked Mom. "Well," sniffed the little girl, "I overheard my sister say that whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider."

Two brothers, ages 6 and 8, decide they are old enough to start cursing. Sothey plan to use dirty words the next morning at breakfast. The 8-year-oldsays he'll use the world HELL and tells the 6-year-old to use ASS.

Well, the next morning they head downstairs for breakfast. And when theirmother asks them what they want, the 8-year-old says, "Ah, Hell, I'll havesome Fruit Loops."

Shocked, the mother wheels around and backhands him on hischair, sending him screaming back upstairs. She then turns to the 6-year-oldand says, "What are you going to have?" He replies, "I don't know, butyou can bet your ass it ain't gonna be Fruit Loops."

What were Michael Jackson's baby's first words? Which one's Mommy?

As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?"

The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: "Didn't you get my E-mail?"

A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Tommy, wanna play house?"

He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"

The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your thoughts."

"Communicate my thoughts?" said a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea what that means."

The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."

The following is a "history" collected by teachers throughout theUnited States, from eighth grade through college level. Read carefully,and you will learn a lot.=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies. Theylived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate ofthe Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, socertain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. TheEgyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube.

The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the firstbook of the Bible…

Mom took little Johnny to the doctor for lacerations on his penis.

Doc. said, how did such a thing happen? Johnny said, "It's that damn neighbor girl, Suzy. Her braces are too darned sharp."

Little Johnny is coming home from the store swinging the loaf of bread in one hand and the other hand in his pants pocket.

Along come Priest Joe and he thinks to himself, "This is a good opportunity to say something from the bible to Little Johnny."

He walks up to Little Johnny and says, "I see Little Johnny that you have the Staff of Life in one hand. What do you have in the other?"

Little Johnny replies, "A loaf of bread Father."

Little Johnny had become a real nuisance while his father tried to concentrate on his Saturday afternoon poker game with friends and relatives. His father tried every way possible to get Johnny to occupy himself...television, ice cream, homework, video games...but the youngster insisted on running back and forth behind the players and calling out the cards they held.

The other players became so annoyed that they threatened to quit the game and all go home. At this point, the boy's uncle stood up, took Johnny by the hand, and led him out of the room. The uncle soon returned back to the poker table without Johnny, and without comment the game resumed.

The Grade 1 concert is fast approaching and Johhny has still not decidied what he will do. Little Mary is going to do a piano solo, Timmy will recite a poem, but Johnny can't come up with anything. Finally, his frustrated teacher is releived when he tells her he has worked out his act. Come the night of the concert, all the proud parents fill the hall and watch as Mary, in her perettiest dress, tinkles the ivories to rapturous applause...

Then Timmy steps out in his best suit and recites his poems to the delight of the audience.

Finally, out comes Johhny, in check shirt, and denim overalls. He steps up to the microphone and says...

"Ladies and Gentlemen. My uncle owns a farm and every holiday…

A young teenager comes home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me? That babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?"

"Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it. "But then when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out?"

A six year old comes crying to his Mother because his little sister pulled his hair.

"Don't be angry," the Mother says, "Your little sister doesn't realize that pulling hair hurts."

A short while later, there's more crying, and the Mother goes to investigate.

This time the sister is bawling and her brother says...

"Now she knows."

10 year old Timmy comes home from daycare and tells his mom that he thinks his babysitter is gay.

"Whatever makes you think THAT?!!?" says mom.

Timmy replies, "Because his dick tasted like shit!"

G: Nobody gets the girl.

PG: The good guy gets the girl.

R: The bad guy gets the girl.

X: Everybody gets the girl!

It was a nice sunny day when three men were walking down a country road, when they saw a bush with a pig's ass popping out. The first man says, "I wish that was Demi Moore's Ass." The second man says, "I wish that was Pamela Anderson's Ass." Then the third man says, "I wish it was dark."

Experts say that although Frank Sinatra is dead, his act is still 150% more entertaining than Frank Sinatra Jr.'s.

Frank Sinatra, "Old Blue Eyes," has died.

Frank will now be known as "Old Closed Eyes."

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.

The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.

As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are those?" asks the attendant. "They're called tees," replies Tiger.

"Well, what on the god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving," says Tiger.

Who does Michael Jackson consider a Perfect "10"?
→ Two 5 year olds.

What's black and white and comes in little cans?
→ Michael Jackson

What is the difference between Michael Jackson and greyhound racing?
→ The greyhounds wait for the hares to come out

Just before takeoff one day, a flight attendant approached Muhammad Ali and asked that he fasten his seat belt. "Superman don't need no seat belt," Ali growled. "Well, Superman," the stewardess replied, "don't need no airplane!"

What trivial fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is the most ironic?
→ He was allergic to carrots.

If Britney Spears and Fat Bastard mated, the resulting child would be: Anna Nicole Smith.