The newlywed couple were checking into the hotel. The new groom approached the desk clerk. He said he wanted the best for they were on their honeymoon. The clerk asked the man if he wanted the bridal.
"No," he said, "I don't believe I'll need it. I'll just grab onto her ears and hold on 'til she gets used to it."
The newlyweds arrived at the front desk of the posh ocean-side resort in Hilton Head, South Carolina, looking all fresh, and eager to enjoy their two week vacation/honeymoon.
The stunning blonde at the front desk smiled and said, "Well, hi Jimmy, how ya been lover ? Long time no see."
A frosty silence prevailed until the couple reached their room. Once inside, the piqued bride demanded: "And just who was THAT woman ?!?!?"
The groom wiped his brow and said, "Just relax honey. Please ! I'm going to have enuff trouble explaining you to her."
My wife and I were watching some TV show the other nite where the wife hired a private detective to follow her husband and see if he were in fact "cheating" on her. I asked my wife if she would ever do that.
She said, "Well not so much to find out who the other woman was, but to see if I could find out what she saw in ya."
A friend of mine told me he had signed up with one of these on-line dating services. I asked him the other day if he had had any luck and he said he'd quit -- seems they'd matched him up with his wife.
The husband, tired of a listless sex life came right out and asked his wife during a recent love-making session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm ?"
She looked him rite in the eye and said, "You're never home !"
A man comes home early from work and finds his wife and his best friend in bed. The man throws up his hands in disbelief and says, "My God Pete !!! I more-or-less 'have to', but YOU ???"
One of those discount airlines recently had a promotion where they offered free air-fare to wives who accompanied their husbands on a business trip. Seeking some valuable testimonials, the PR unit of the airline sent out letters to the wives who took advantage of the offer.
I understand both written and telephoned responses are still flooding their offices asking, "What trip ?"
Jim had been out on the town with a dazzling blonde, and he was returning home as the rosy tints of dawn began to color the skies. Marshaling all his inner resources, he managed an air of sobriety and dignity before the suspicious eye and wagging tongue of his wife. Suddenly, as he was undressing, she punctuated her harangue with a sharp, gasping intake of air. "Jimmy," she asked through titely clenched teeth, "Just where are your underwear ?"
Bleakly, Jimmy perceived through the fog in his mind, that his boxer shorts were indeed missing. Just then, inspiration stuck. "My God !" he cried with aggrieved dismay. "I've been robbed !"
The middle-aged married couple finally moved into the Condo of their dreams, but right next door to a very sexy fashion model. The husband had taken to borrowing this or that from their neighbor and it seemed to the wife that it always took him way too long to return.
One time the wife had had enuff and actually pounded on the wall between the two apartments. There being no response she telephoned, only to get the answering machine. Finally she went to the model's door and just kept ringing the bell.
When the model answered, the wife fumed, "I would like to know why it is my husband takes so damn long to get something over here."
"Well sweetie," the model purred, "all these interruptions sure…
I've never been much on fashion, but got quite a few compliments on a new sports jacket I wore to work one day. My secretary asked me where I got it and I told her that it was a surprise from my wife. I went home early yesterday, and there it was, on the back of a kitchen chair.
Mrs. Culpepper was almost in tears. "Oh Marie," she said to her maid, "I have reason to suspect that my husband is having an affair with his secretary."
"I don't believe it for one minute !" Marie snapped.
"You're just saying that to make me jealous !!!"
The sailor came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife with a new born baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge.
"Was it my friend Sam", he demanded.
"No !" his weeping wife replied.
"Was it my friend Jim then?" he asked.
"NO !!!" she said even more upset.
"Well which one of my no good friends did this then?" he asked.
"Don't you think I have any friends of my own?" she snapped.
A solider stationed in the South Pacific wrote to his wife in the States to please send him a harmonica to occupy his free time and keep his mind off of the local women. The wife complied and sent the best one she could find, along with several dozen lesson & music books.
Rotated back home, he rushed to their home and thru the front door. "Oh darling" he gushed, "Come here... let me look at you... let me hold you ! Let's have a fine dinner out, then make love all night. I've missed your lovin' so much !"
The wife, keeping her distance, said, "All in good time lover. First, let's hear you play that harmonica."
A man goes to his doctor for his annual physical complaining of all kinds of mysterious ailments -- lack of sleep, no drive, very little appetite, nervous, etc. After a complete exam, the doctor can find nothing physically wrong and suspects the man is suffering from depression. The two had been friends for many years, so the doctor did not hesitate to ask the man about his personal life.
"Well, if you must know," said the patient, "I cannot stand my wife. She's made my life unbearable. I fantasize all the time about killing that damn witch. In fact, if you are truly my friend, you'll give me some kind of untraceable poison to give her, so I may end my misery."
Bill sat alone in the hospital room at his dying wife's beside. It was difficult to hear her above the many life sustaining devices, as her voice was little more than a hoarse whisper. "Bill darling," she breathed. "I've got a confession to make before I go... I ... I'm the one who took the $10,000 from your safe in the house ... I spent it on a fling with your best friend Jimmy. And it was I who forced your mistress to leave the community in utter disgrace. I'm afraid I also was the one who reported you to the IRS for income tax evasion..."
"That's all right dearest; don't even give it a second thought." said Bill. "I have a small confession too. I'm the one who poisoned you."
Birth of a Candy Bar It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar. I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, "hey Sweetheart, how'd you like to Krunch on my big hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?" Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and it was like Pure Almond Joy! I couldn't help but grab her delicious Mounds because it was easy to see that this little Twix had the Red Hots. It was all I could do to hold the Snicker and Crackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream "Oh Henry, Oh Henry!" Soon she was fondling my Peter Pan and ZagNut and I…
A Jewish congregation in New York honors its Rabbi for 25 years of serviceby sending him to Hawaii for a week, all expenses paid.
When he walks into his hotel room, there's a beautiful girl, nude, lying onthe bed. She says, "Hi, Rabbi, I'm a little something extra that thepresident of the board arranged for you."
The Rabbi is incensed. He picks up the phone, calls the President of theTemple Board and says, "Greenberg, what were you thinking? Where's yourrespect? I am the moral leader of our community! I am very angry with youand you have not heard the end of this."
The girl gets up and starts to get dressed. The Rabbi turns to her andsays, "Where are you going? I'm not angry with you."
A Greek and Italian were sitting down one day debating who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon"The Italian says, "We have the Colosseum"The Greek says "We had great Mathematicians"The Italian says "We had the Roman Empire"...and so on and so on and then the Greek says: "We invented sex"The Italian says "That is true, but it was the Italians whointroduced it to women."
Why do they call it a "kilt"?
Because a lot of people got kilt when they called it a skirt.
What did Arafat say to Clinton?
"Sheep don't talk, my friend."
What do you call a 300 pound woman in Minnesota?
Anorexic
What did the German clockmaker say to the clock that only went 'tick, tick,tick'?'Ve haff vays of making you tock!'
Did you hear about the spanish fireman who named his sone Hose A and Hose B?
There was this Eskimo girl who spent the night with her boyfriend and nextmorning found out that she was six months pregnant.
What do Germans use for birth control?
Their personalities!
