A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing one day. While fishing, the old man starts talking about how times have changed. The young man picks up on this and starts talking about the various problems and diseases going around.
Teen says, "Grandpa, they didn't have a whole lot of problems with all these diseases when you were young did they?"
Grandpa replies, "Nope."
Teen says, "Well, what did you guys use for safe sex?"
Grandpa replies, "A wedding ring."
A man comes home drunk in the wee hours of the morning to find his wife angry and waiting for him at the door. "Out drinking again!?" she says.
"How much money did you spend this time?" "$100," answers the man. "$100!" she shouts.
"That's ridiculous, spending that much in one night!" "Easy for you to say," he replies. "You don't smoke, you don't drink, and you have your own pussy."
For his wife's birthday party, a doctor ordered a cake with this inscription: "You are not getting older, You are just getting better."
When asked how he wanted it arranged, he said, "Just put 'You are not getting older' at the top, and 'You are just getting better' at the bottom."
It wasn't until the good doctor was ready to serve the cake that he discovered it read: "YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP, YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM."
A wealthy man sat in his attorney's office.
"Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer asked.
"Give me the bad news first."
"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."
"That's the bad news?" the man asked incredulously.
"I can't wait to hear the terrible news."
"It's of you and your mistress."
These two guys go to a whorehouse.
The first guy goes in then comes out and says, "My wife is better."
The second guy goes in then comes out and says, "You know what? Your wife IS better."
A gent spots a nice looking gal in a bar goes up and starts small talk. Seeing that she didn't back off, he asked her name. "Carmen," she replied.
"That's a nice name," he said warming up the conversation, "Who named you, your mother?"
"No, I named myself," she answered.
"Oh, that's interesting, why Carmen?"
"Because I like cars, and I like men," she said looking directly into his eyes. "What's your name?"
"Beerfuck."
For their 25th wedding anniversary, a man decides to take his wife on a trip to France. After two weeks touring France, they return to the airport for the trip back to America. While waiting for the plane, the wife turns to her husband and says, "This was the most wonderful gift I could have asked for on our 25th anniversary. I can't wait to hear what you have in mind for our 50th anniversary!" Her husband leaned over, kissed her on the cheek, and said, "I'm going to come back and get you"
A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."
The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.
He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"
"I don't like her."
Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's a woman's job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd want to have dinner with.
A couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks, "I'll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday."
Well, you can imagine her disappointment.
The next year, her birthday rolls around again and this time he doesn't get her anything.
She says, "Why didn't you get me a birthday present!?"
He replies, "You didn't use what I got you last year!"
What is the difference between men and women?
→ A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Dear [Name],
I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition.
Check those that apply...
How does a man know when his wife is losing interest?
→ When her favorite sexual position is "next door"
On his way out of church, Frank stopped at the door to speak to the minister. "Would it be right," he asked, "for a person to profit from the mistakes of another?" "Absolutely not!" replied the pastor. "In that case," said the young man, "I wonder if you'd consider returning the hundred dollars I paid you to marry my wife and me last July."
A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache." "Perfect" her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository, ...it's up to you!"
A guy was trying to console a friend who'd just found his wife in bed with another man.
"Get over it, buddy," he said. "It's not the end of the world." "It's all right for you to say," answered his buddy. "But what if you came home one night and caught another man in bed with your wife?" The fella ponders for a moment, then says, "I'd break his cane and kick his seeing-eye dog in the ass."
A stockbroker catches his wife in bed with another man.
He says to her, "What's going on?" She says, "Believe it or not, John, I've gone public!"
If women don't fool around, and men do fool around, who are the men fooling around with?
My wife and I are into S & M
She Sleeps and I masturbate
A family was having dinner on Mother's Day. For some reason the mother was unusually quiet. Finally the husband asked what was wrong.
"Nothing," said the woman.
Not buying it, he asked again. "Seriously, what's wrong?"
"Do you really want to know? Well, I'll tell you. I have cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother's Day, you don't even tell me so much as "Thank you."
"Why should I?" he said. "Not once in 15 years have I gotten a Father's Day gift."
"Yes," she said, "but I'm their real mother."
"Will the father be present during the birth?" asked the obstetrician.
"Nah," replied the mother-to-be, "He and my husband don't get along."
Conversation over dinner:
- Woman: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
- Man: Definitely not!
- Woman: Why not - don't you like being married?
- Man: Of course I do.
- Woman: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
- Man: Okay, I'd get married again.
- Woman: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
- Man: (makes audible groan)
- Woman: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
A child at a Christian school was studying the early days of Mormonism in his class. He wrote on his paper, "The early Mormons believed in having more than one wife. This is called polygamy. But we believe in having only one wife. This is called monotony"
After the first week of sex education class, a young shapely teen stormed out of the room after the class was over. Encountering a female friend in the hall, the friend asked, "Lori, what in the world is the matter with you? You look as if you're about to kill someone." "I am!!!" Lori fumed. "You just wait until I catch up with that Dennis. All summer long, that clown had me convinced that 'foreplay' involved tossing a coin for position."
