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The government's system administration team, working with computer manufacturers and experts in the computer industry, has found a lower cost alternative to address the Y2K (Year 2000) issue: The goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by December 31, 1999. In exchange for taking every computer, an Etch-A-Sketch will be issued to all Americans. There are many reasons for doing this:

1. No Y2K problems.
2. No technical glitches keeping working from being done.
3. No more wasted time reading and writing E-Mails.

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) from the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk:

My Etch-A-Sketch has funny lines all over the screen. What do I do?
→ Pick it up and shake it.

DOS Beer -- Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.

Mac Beer -- At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are…

Real software engineers eat quiche.

Real software engineers don't read dumps. They never generate them, and on the rare occasions that they come across them, they are vaguely amused.

Real software engineers don't comment their code. The identifiers are so mnemonic they don't have to.

Real software engineers don't write applications programs, they implement algorithms. If someone has an application that the algorithm might help with, that's nice. Don't ask them to write the user interface, though.

If it doesn't have recursive function calls, real software engineers don't program in it.

Real software engineers don't program in assembler. They become queasy at the very thought.

Here are some basic descriptions of what may happen if airplanes had different operating systems running them.

DOS: Everybody pushes it till it glides, then jumps on and lets it coast till it skids, then jumps off, pushes, jumps back on, etc.

DOS with QEMM: Same as DOS, but with more leg room for pushing.

Macintosh: All the flight attendants, captains and baggage handlers look the same, act the same and talk the same. Every time you ask a question, you are told you don't need to know, don't want to know and everything will be done for you without your knowing, so just shut up.

OS/2: To get on board, you have to have your ticket stamped 10 different times by standing in 10 different lines. Then…

Computer novices may feel like they're alone these days, but some of the following calls to IBM's help center show there are plenty of people out there who still are inching onto the information superhighway.

After a caller gave a technician her PC's serial number, he scanned a database of registered users and responded:

- I see you have an Aptiva desktop unit.

Before he could say another word, the caller shrieked and said she'd be right back. When the customer returned, the technician asked if she was all right. The caller responded:

- Had I realized you could see me, I never would have telephoned in my bathrobe.

A customer who had just received a laptop computer asked about the power-saving…

Don't you wish when life is bad
and things just don't compute,
That all we really had to do
was stop and hit reboot?

Things would all turn out ok,
life could be so sweet
If we had those special keys
Ctrl, Alt, and Delete
Your boss is mad, your bills not paid,
your wife, well she's just mute

99 little bugs in the code,
99 bugs in the code,
Fix one bug, compile it again,
101 little bugs in the code.

101 little bugs in the code,
101 bugs in the code,
Fix one bug, compile it again,
103 little bugs in the code.

10. "Honey, why is an 18-wheeler from Amazon.com backing into our driveway?"
11. One Secret Service agent is sitting on your head while another is slapping cuffs on you.
12. Apparently, your flame war with DonCorleone@mafia.com is about to turn ugly.
13. When you log on, your computer says "You've got lawsuits!"
14. You're suddenly getting more Spam than the Hormel outlet store.
15. Sotheby's says the Rembrandt is yours and that you now owe them $71,000,000 and change.
16. You now have 130,000 ClubTop5 subscriptions and the list moderator is on the cover of Business Week.
17. Terse "Knock it off, Oedipus" e-mail from your Mom.
18. Your wife calls you at the office to report that Pogdi, your Pakistani…

• AAC: Alter All Commands
• AAD: Alter All Data
• AAO: Add And Overflow
• AAR: Alter At Random
• AB: Add Backwards
• ABC: AlphaBetize Code
• ABR: Add Beyond Range
• ACC: Advance CPU Clock
• ACDC: Allow Controller to Delete Contents
• ACDP: Allow Controller to Die Peacefully

They would immediately change the name to WatMas.

The staff would sell you ornaments, but not know anything about them or what they were for. Or you could buy parts to build your own tree.

The holiday would be cheap, small, quartz-crystal driven, and would let you take a licking and keep on shopping.

You would be able to hang over 64,000 ornaments on your tree (all identical) at the same time.

The holiday season would cost $16 million but would be celebrated faster than any other holiday during the year.

Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted item from an authentic Civil War pewter ornament collection. Each ornament would weight about seven pounds, and require you to pay shipping and handling charges.

Their Personal Xmas-ing Device, which would be barely larger than an ornament and flat, would allow you to celebrate the season with a device attached conveniently to your belt.

They would market the Reverse Polish Ornament, which is put in your attic on the weekend after Thanksgiving, and placed out for viewing the day after the January Bowl Games.

Your ornaments would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to monitor your tree for reasons of national security.

The ornaments would be large perfectly smooth and seamless black cubes. Christmas morning there would be presents for everyone, but no one would know what they were. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and be located at the North Pole. Blueprints for ornaments would be highly classified government documents. X-Files would have an episode about them.

"Baby's First Ornament" would have a hand-crank that you turn to hang the thing on the tree.

Wait a minute? Isn't IBM running this Christmas..?

Ornaments would be priced slightly higher, but would hang on the tree remarkably quickly. Also the colors of the ornaments would be prettier than most all the others. Options would be available for 'equalization' of color combinations on the tree.

It would do everything the Microsoft ornaments do, but years earlier, and with a smaller mouse (not stirring of course).

Each time you bought an ornament, you would have to buy a tree as well. You wouldn't have to take the tree, but you still have to pay for it anyway. Ornament/95 would weigh 1500 pounds (requiring a reinforced steel countertop tree), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your living room, would claim to be the first ornament that uses the colors red/green together. It would interrogate your other decorations to find out who made them. Most everyone would hate Microsoft ornaments, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the other tree types wouldn't work with their hooks.

They would want one big Santa, dressed in blue, where kids queue up for their present-processing. Receiving presents would take about 24-36 hours of mainframe processing time.