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A boy at a cinema notices what looks like a bear sitting next to him.

- Are you a bear?

- Yes

- What are you doing at the movies?

- Well, I liked the book!

What is a twip?
→ A twip is what a wabbit takes when he wides a twain.

Well-known lodging chain announced it was creating a line of no-frills hotels. The only way you'll see a chocolate on the pillow now is if the last guest was eating an M&M.

How can you tell elephants love to travel?
→ They are always packing their trunk!

"I can't believe it," said the tourist. "I've been here an entire week and it's done nothing but rain. When do you have summer here?"

"Well, that's hard to say," replied the local. "Last year, it was on a Wednesday."

What do you get if you cross a sheep with a holiday resort?
→ The Baaahaaamaaas!

Why did Mickey Mouse take a trip into space?
→ He wanted to find Pluto!

Where do werewolves stay when they're on vacation?
→ At the Howliday Inn!

Two Yanks touring London in a taxi. What is that asked one of the Yank's. Why that is Buckingham Palace answered the taxi driver. Well you should see the states we have much bigger houses over there, and that. That is the Post Office Tower. Oh our towers are much bigger. This went on for much of the day until they went past a another building. Our buildings are much bigger than that one too. I thought it might be said the taxi driver, That is the mental institute

Joan, who was rather well-proportioned, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel.

She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.

She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

An American tourist travelling in Limerick came across a little antique shop in which he was lucky enough to pick up, for a mere $150, the skull of Saint Patrick.

Included in the price was a certificate of the skull's authenticity, signed by Saint Patrick himself.

Ten years later the tourist returned to Ireland and asked the antique shop owner if he had any more bargains. "I've got the very thing for you," said the Irishman.
"It's the genuine skull of Saint Patrick".
"You swindler!" shouted the American. "You sold me that ten years ago," and, producing the skull, added, "Look, they're not even the same size!"

"You have it all wrong," said the Irishman. "This is the skull of Saint Patrick when he…

How many tourists does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ Six: One to hold the bulb and five to ask for directions.

- Guest: Why did you offer me a piece of candy?

- Hotel Clerk: You said you wanted the best suite in the hotel.

- Police Officer: Why did you lead me on a five-state chase?

- Driver: I love to travel.

- Tourist: What's the speed limit in this hick town?

- Native: We don't have one. You strangers can't get out of here fast enough for us.

- Tourist: The flies are awfully thick around here. Don't you ever shoo them?

- Native: No, we just let them go barefoot.

- Tourist: Is this 99 Main Street?

- Resident: No, it's 66, but we turn it upside down to confuse people.

A police officer was amazed to see a hiker walking along the road carrying a sign which read "To Seattle." "What are you doing with that?" asked the police officer.
"I'm walking to Seattle," said the hiker, "and I don't want to lose my way."

The transatlantic liner was experiencing particularly heavy weather, and Mrs Jones wasn't feeling well.
"Would you care for some more supper, ma'am?" asked the steward.
"No, thanks," replied the wretched passenger. "Just throw it overboard to save me the trouble."

On her annual visit to another planet, an old lady turns to the cabin steward and says, "I hope this spaceship doesn't travel faster than sound."
"Why?" replies the cabin steward.
"Because my friend and I want to talk, that's why."

What did the teacher say after spending thousands in the expensive hotel?
→ I'm sorry to leave, now that I've almost bought the place.

A huge American car screeched to a halt in a sleepy English village, and the driver called out to a local inhabitant, "Say, am I on the right road for Shakespeare's birthplace?"
"Ay, straight on, sir," said the rustic, "but no need to hurry. He's dead."

- Teacher: I'd like a room, please.

- Hotel Receptionist: Single, Sir?

- Teacher: Yes, but I am engaged.

There was a little old lady from a small town in America who had to go to Texas. She was amazed at the size of her hotel and her suite. She went into the huge cafe and said to the waitress, who took her order for a cup of coffee, that she had never before seen anything as big as the hotel or her suite.
"Everything's big in Texas ma'am," said the waitress. The coffee came in the biggest cup the old lady had ever seen. "I told you, ma'am, that everything is big in Texas," said the waitress. On her way back to her suite, the old lady got lost in the vast corridors.
She opened the door of a darkened room and fell into an enormous swimming pool. "Please!" she screamed. "Don't flush it!"