A student engineer in the office got engaged some time ago. At her wedding, I was reminding her of the first day she wore her ring. None of the other women in the office even noticed.
Finally, in sheer and total exasperation, she said "Boy!!! It's so warm in here today, I think I'll take off my ring."
A few moments after the daughter announced her engagement, her Father asked, "Does this fellow have any money?"
The daughter shook her head sadly. "Oh Daddy! You men are all alike." sighing deeply, she replied, "That's exactly what he asked me about you."
Returning from her vacation, the young secretary was telling anyone who would listen about what a fun time she had. She then asked for two weeks leave in which to get married.
"But you just had two weeks off," said the boss. "Why didn't you get married then?"
"What and ruin my vacation?" she whined.
Following a bitter divorce a husband saw his wife at a party and sneered, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
The wife simply sighed and replied, "Yes, dear, I know, but I was in love and didn't really notice."
A man happened to meet his ex-wife at a party, and after a few drinks, he suggested that they might have another try at marriage. His ex-wife sneered in reply, "Over my dead body!"
He downed his drink and replied, "Well, I see you haven't changed one little bit."
Lee was known among his friends for the punctuality with which he sent his wife her alimony payment each month. When he was asked the reason for his haste he shivered and replied: "I'm afraid that if I should ever fall behind in the payments to that witch, she might well try to repossess me."
After the third day of a really torrid honeymoon, the young couple finally emerged from their room and walked into the hotel restaurant. After they were seated, the waiter came over to get their orders. The new husband looked at his bride and said, "You know what I really feel like honey?" "Well sure," she blushed, "But we gotta eat sometime!"
A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.
She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.
She approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is marvelous," said the journalist. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"
Replied the Kuwaiti woman: "Land mines"
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, Mother of Six?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"
A husband and wife went to the fairgrounds. The wife wanted to go on the Ferris wheel, but the husband wasn't comfortable with that. So the wife went on the ride by herself.
The wheel went round and round and suddenly the wife was thrown out and landed in a heap at her husband's feet.
"Are you hurt?" he asked.
"Of course I'm hurt!" she replied. "Three times around and you didn't wave once!"
A guy runs out of a Las Vegas hotel and says to a stranger, "Can you loan me two hundred bucks? My wife had a terrible accident."
The stranger says, "If you need two hundred dollars, what are you using to gamble with?"
The guy replies, "Oh, I've got gambling money."
This day holds a lot of meaning for me. It was on this day two years ago that I lost my dear wife and children.
I'll never forget that game of cards...
A little kid comes running into the backyard.
He says, "Pop! Pop! Ma just got hit by a bus!"
"Son, you know my lips are chapped. Please don't make me smile."
An explorer goes into an undiscovered tomb for the first time, and in the center of the tomb there is a lamp.
So he picked it up and started to rub the dirt off of it, and out came a genie out of the lamp and he said "I want to know the person you hate the most"
The explorer said "That's gotta be my ex-wife. Why?"
"I am a cursed genie, I will grant you three wishes but whatever you wish for your ex-wife will get double the amount."
"OK, I wish for a billion dollars"
"Granted, but your ex-wife gets two billion"
"I wish for a mansion in California with a swimming pool, and tennis courts, everything"
"Granted your ex-wife gets two. This is your final wish"
A guy is down on his luck. He takes his last $500 and goes to Las Vegas.
Overnight, he has a fantastic run of luck. He stumbles out of the casino and finds a pay phone. He calls his wife and says, "Honey, pack your bags. I just won over a million dollars in Vegas."
His wife say, "That's wonderful. What should I pack for...
Europe, the Carribean?"
He says, "I don't care, just be gone when I get home."
- Husband: What do you love most, my natural beauty or my body?
- Wife: Your sense of humor.
A rural Frenchman was on trial for killing his wife when he found her with a neighbor. Upon being asked why he shot her instead of her lover, he replied, "Ah, m'sieur, is it not better to shoot a woman once than a different man every week?"
A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.
He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road.
Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."
The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh yeah?" the man asked...
"And where were you when I got married?"
Larry's barn burned down, and Susan, his wife, called the insurance company ...
- Susan: We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money.
- Agent: Whoa there just a minute, Susan; it doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of the old barn and provide you with a new one of comparable worth.
- Susan, after a pause: I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband.
A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Tommy, wanna play house?"
He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"
The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your thoughts."
"Communicate my thoughts?" said a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea what that means."
The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."
In the midst of a veritable downpour, a gallant driver saw a woman alone in the mud trying to change a flat tire, and couldn't bear passing her by. He completed the job for her, and, soaked to the skin, exclaimed jovially, "There, little lady, that's done!" "Quiet," she ordered him. "You'll wake up my husband. He's taking a nap in the back seat."
As US tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists. An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts.
After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from.
"America," the husband replied.
Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded.
"She's not from the States."
"Yes I am." said the wife. He looked at her and asked. "Is he your husband?" "Yes." she replied.
Turning to the husband, he offered..... "I'll give you 100 camels for her." The husband looked stunned, and there was a long silence. Finally he replied, "she's not for sale."
Personally I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and Father, I can say anything I want to around the house.
Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.
What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
→ They're married.
What's the best way to get a man to remember your anniversary?
→ Get married on his birthday.
