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How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
→ One, but he must consult the DSM-IV.

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
→ "Why does the light bulb necessarily have to change?"

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
→ "How long have you been having this phantasy?"

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Just one, but it takes nine visits.

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Just one, but the light bulb really has to want to change.

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
→ None. The light bulb will change itself when it's ready.

- Doctor, Doctor, I think I'm a bridge.

- What's come over you?

- Oh, two cars, a large truck and a coach.

- Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people.

- Tell me about your problem.

- I JUST DID, DIDN'T I, YOU STUPID BASTARD!!!

- Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears.

- Don't answer!

- Doctor, doctor, I've only got 59 seconds to live.

- Wait a minute please.

- Doctor, doctor, I feel like a small bucket.

- You do look a little pail.

- Doctor, doctor, I feel so short!

- No problem. Hop up on the couch.

- Doctor, doctor, I can't concentrate, one minute I'm ok, and the next minute, I'm blank!

- And how long have you had this complaint?

- What complaint?

- Doctor, doctor, I keep trying to get into fights.

- And how long have you had this complaint?

- Who wants to know?

- Doctor, doctor, I'm manic-depressive.

- Calm down. Cheer up. Clam down. Cheer up. Calm

- Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a spoon.

- Sit there and don't stir.

- Doctor, doctor, people keep telling me I'm ugly!

- Lay on the couch, face down.

- Doctor, doctor, No one believes a word I say.

- Tell me the truth now, what's your REAL problem?

- Doctor, doctor, nobody understands me.

- What do you mean by that?

- Doctor, doctor, people tell me I'm a wheelbarrow.

- Don't let people push you around.

How do you tell the difference between the staff and the inmates at a psychiatric hospital?
→ The patients get better and leave.
Not everyone of the patients thinks he is God.
The staff have the keys!

One behaviorist to another after lovemaking:

"Darling, that was wonderful for you. How was it for me?"

Joe has been seeing a psychoanalyst for four years for treatment of the fear that he had monsters under his bed. It had been years since he had gotten a good night's sleep.

Furthermore, his progress was very poor, and he knew it. So, one day he stops seeing the psychoanalyst and decides to try something different.

A few weeks later, Joe's former psychoanalyst meets his old client in the supermarket, and is surprised to find him looking well-rested, energetic, and cheerful. "Doc!" Joe says, "It's amazing! I'm cured!"
"That's great news!" the psychoanalyst says. "you seem to be doing much better. How?"
"I went to see another doctor," Joe says enthusiastically, "and he cured me in just ONE…

A man who thinks he's George Washington has been seeing a psychiatrist. He finishes up one session by telling him, "Tomorrow, we'll cross the Delaware and surprise them when they least expect it."
As soon as he's gone, the psychiatrist picks up the phone and says, "King George, this is Benedict Arnold. I have the plans."

In a psychiatrist's waiting room two patients are having a conversation. One says to the other, "Why are you here?"
The second answers, "I'm Napoleon, so the doctor told me to come here."
The first is curious and asks, "How do you know that you're Napoleon?"
The second responds, "God told me I was."
At this point, a patient on the other side of the room shouts, "NO I DIDN'T!"