When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the physiatrist began his therapy session, "I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."
"Of course." replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..."
- Patient: Doctor, my wife thinks I'm crazy because I like sausages.
- Psychiatrist: Nonsense! I like sausages too.
- Patient: Good, you should come and see my collection. I've got hundreds of them.
Two psychologists meet at their twentieth college reunion. One of them looks like he just graduated, while the other psychologist looks old, worried and withered.
The older looking one asks the other, "What's your secret? Listening to other people's problems every day, all day long, for years on end, has made an old man of me."
The younger looking one replies, "Who listens?"
A psychologist returned from a confrence in Aspen lodge, where all the psychologists were permited to ski for free. Her husband asked her, "How it went?". She replied, "Fine, but I've never seen so many Freudians slips."
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for a man then for a women?
→ Because when it's time to go back to childhood, a man is already there.
A guy goes in to see a psychologist. He says, "It seems I can't make any friends. Can you help me, you fat slob?"
Psychiatrist to his nurse:
"Just say we're very busy. Don't keep saying 'It's a madhouse.'"
What's the difference between a psychologist and a magician?
→ A psychologist pulls habits out of rats!
Men don't get lost; they discover alternative destinations.
Anytime you see a young man open a car door for his girlfriend, either the car is new or the girlfriend is.
What do you call a man who marries an old, ugly and poor woman?
→ Desperate!
This man says to his friend, "I stopped driving 10 years ago. Now my wife drives and I just sit there and hold the wheel."
A neighbor of mine was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing furiously. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a will. He said, "Will, what will? I'm making a list of people I'm gonna bite."
Brian was dating Lorraine and they were very close. While they were dating he met another woman named Clearly and wanted to start dating her but felt that he should be faithful to Lorraine. So he continued to date Lorraine. One day Brian took Lorraine on a walk in the woods by the river. As they were walking near the river Lorraine fell in and was washed away. Brian softly sang, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine has gone..."
How many Real Men does it take to change a light bulb?
→ None. Real Men aren't afraid of the dark.
Men will brag that there are women waiting by the phone at this very moment for their call. Who are these women?
→ Women working at 900 numbers.
What is the difference between men and pigs?
→ Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
How many men does it take to mop the floor?
→ None, it's a women's job.
Men are like plungers.
They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom
Men are like horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men are like department stores.
Their clothes should always be half off.
Men are like plastic wrap.
Cheap. Clingy. And very easy to see through.
Men are like old car tires.
Balding, full of hot air, and it never hurts to have a spare.
Men are like pillows.
Eventually, even the best ones get soft and lumpy.
