Women Jokes

And God Created The Woman

He was so pleased with his creation that he calls in three of his top advisors: His chief Carpenter, His Chief Tailor, and His Chief Architect.

He presents his creation to his Chiefs and asks them for suggestions and comments.

The Carpenter says: "Too many forms, you need to straighten things out, flatten it out." God replies, "No I like it that way, but thanks"

Then the Tailor says: "Too many strings (hair) sticking out, you need to trim them." God replies, "No I like it that way, but thanks"

Then the Architect says: "Wonderful creation, absolutely superb, but next time, please do not place the toilets next to the reception room"

An old woman saved a Fairy's life. To repay this, the Fairy promised to grant the old woman three wishes.

For the first wish, the old lady asked to become young and beautiful. Poof! She became young and beautiful.

For the second wish, the old lady asked to be richest woman in the world. Poof! She was the richest woman in the world.

For the last wish, she pointed at the cat she had kept for years. She asked that he be turned into the most handsome man on earth. After all, he had been her best friend for so many years. Poof! The Fairy turned the cat into the most handsome man on earth.

The old lady and the Fairy said their goodbyes.

After the Fairy left, the handsome man (old cat) strolled over to her and asked, "Now aren't you sorry you had me neutered?!!!"

In response to calls for sexual equity, Pillsbury recently added a new Pillsbury Doughgirl character to the well known Doughboy. Unfortunately, she couldn't come to work this week because she had a yeast infection.

I don't think the leading feminist realized what she was saying when she told a reporter, "As long as women are split like we are, men will remain on top."

A woman needs only four animals in her life: a mink on her back, a jaguar in her garage, a tiger in her bed, and a jackass to pay for it all.

A beggar walks up to a well-dressed woman who is shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days."

She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."

A guy is outside in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son.

Every time the kite gets up in the air, it comes crashing down.

After this goes on for awhile, his wife sticks her head out the front door and yells, "You need more tail."

The guy turns to his son and says, "Son, I never will understand women. I just told her an hour ago I needed more tail, and she said to go fly a kite!"

They are:

• Her Doctor; he says, "Take your clothes off."
• Her Dentist; he says, "Open wide."
• Her Veterinarian; he says, "And how is your little pussy doing today?"
• Her Gardener; he says, "Do you want me to mulch your bush?"
• Her Hairdresser; he says, "Do you want it teased or blown?"
• Her Interior Decorator; he says, "You'll like it once it's in."
• Her Hunter; he goes deep into the bush, shoots several times, and always eats what he shoots.
• Her Remodeler; he says, "It fits tongue-in-groove with a little hammering."
• Her Milkman; he says, "Do you want it in front or in back?"
• Her Banker; he says, "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest."

The bachelor who complained that the women he selected would not remain his friend for more than a few weeks was told, "Your problem is that you are looking for a particular kind of woman.

You ought to be looking for the kind of woman who is not particular."

A lonely divorcee was driving home from work one evening when she saw a man trying to hitch a ride. She picked him up and they got to talking.

"What do you do?" she asked him. "I recently escaped from prison for having killed my wife." "Oh, does that mean you are available?"