Women Jokes

- First girl: I spend hours in front of the mirror admiring my beauty. Do you think that's vanity?

- Second girl: No, it's imagination.

She's so ugly that when a wasp stings her it shuts its eyes.

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, "OK, You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three... You only get one wish!"

The man sat, and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible!!! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete -- how much steel!! No, think of another wish."

The man said "OK, I will try to think of a really good wish". Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women, know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment, know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say "nothing," know how to make them truly happy."

The genie said, "Do you want that bridge to be two lanes or four?"

Top 10 things you'll never hear a girl say.

1. I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!
2. Shouldn't you be out drinking with your friends?
3. Great fart!! Rip another one!
4. Pet names are silly. I just call it my c*nt.
5. You should see the shit I just birthed.
6. I'd rather play Duke Nukem than go shopping.
7. Let's start subscribing to Hustler.
8. Would you like to see a video of me going down on my friend?
9. I'll swallow it all. I love the taste of it!
10. Are you sure you've had enough to drink? I'm buying.

One day, Adam sat outside the Garden of Eden shortly after eating the apple, and wondered about men and women. So looking up to the heavens he says, "Excuse me GOD, can I ask you a few questions?"

GOD replied, "Go on Adam but be quick I have a world to create."

So Adam says, "When you created Eve, why did You make her body so curvy and tender unlike mine?"

"I did that, Adam, so that you could love her."

"Oh, well then, why did You give her long, shiny, beautiful hair, and not me?"

"I did that Adam so that you could love her."

"Oh, well then, why did You make her so stupid? Certainly not so that I could love her?"

"Well Adam, no. I did that so that she could love you"

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.

- Man: What are you doing here today?

- Woman: Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it.

- Man: Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25.

The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.

Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.

- Man: Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?

- Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] Unh unh.

THE MAN'S POINTS SYSTEM

For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is:

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects...

Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

• You make the bed...+1
• You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows...0
• You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets...-1
• You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light pantyliners with wings...+5
• But return with beer ...-5
• You check out a suspicious noise at night ...0
• You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing...0
• You check out a suspicious noise and it's something....+5
• You pummel it with a six iron....+10
• It's her father...-10
• You leave the toilet seat up...-5
• You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty...0
• When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...-1
• When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom...-2

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS

• You stay by her side the entire party...0
• You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy...-2
• Named Tiffany...-4
• Tiffany is a dancer...-6
• Tiffany has implants...-8

HER BIRTHDAY

• You take her out to dinner...0
• You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar...+1
• Okay, it is a sports bar...-2
• And it's all-you-can-eat night...-3
• It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team...-10

THOUGHTFULNESS

• You forget her birthday completely...-20
• You forget your anniversary...-30
• You forget to pick her up at the bus station...-45
• Which is in Newark, New Jersey...-50
• And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast...-60

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS

• Go out with a pal ...-5
• And the pal is happily married ...-4
• Or frighteningly single ...-7
• And he drives a Mustang...-10
• With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) ...-15
• You have a few beers...-9
• And miss curfew by an hour...-12
• You miss curfew by an hour and you didn't call...-20
• You get home at 3am...-30
• You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars...-40
• And not wearing any pants...-50
• Is that a tattoo??...-200

HER NIGHT OUT

• You stay home while she goes out with her annoying friend from work...+5
• She goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes home real late...+10
• You wait up...+15
• She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed...+20

A NIGHT OUT

• You take her to a movie...+2
• You take her to a movie she likes...+4
• You take her to a movie you hate...+6
• You take her to a movie you like...-2
• It's called DeathCop3...-3
• Which features cyborgs having sex...-9
• You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans...-15

FLOWERS

• You buy her flowers only when it's expected...0
• You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it...+20
• You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself...+30
• And she contracts Lyme disease...-25

YOUR PHYSIQUE

• You develop a noticeable potbelly...-15
• You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it...+10
• You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts...-30
• You say "I don't give a damn because you have one too"....-800

FINANCES

• You spend a lot of money on something impractical...+5
• Something she can't use...+10
• Such as a motorized model airplane...-20
• And you buy her a clock radio for her birthday...-40

DRIVING

• You let her tell you how to drive...+20
• You let her mother tell you how to drive...+40
• You lost the directions on a trip...-4
• You lost the directions and end up getting lost...-10
• You end up getting lost because you followed her directions ...+10
• You end up getting lost in a bad part of town ...-15
• You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and personal...-25
• You know them...-60

THE BIG QUESTION

• She asks, "Do I look fat?"...-5 (Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
• You hesitate in responding...-10
• You reply, "Where?"...-35

COMMUNICATION

• When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression...0
• When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes....+5
• You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV...+10
• She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep...-20

Which is the odd one out - a refrigerator, a washing machine, a TV or a woman?
→ The TV because all the others leak when they're fucked!

1. Man: "Haven't we met before?" Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."
2. Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?" Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
3. Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants." Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."
4. The rebuttal to a turn-down: Man: "Want to Dance?" Woman: "No thanks." Man: "Don't thank me, thank God because somebody asked you."
5. Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?" Woman: "It's in the phone book." Man: "But I don't know your name." Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
6. Man: "So what do you do for a living?" Woman: "Female impersonator."
7. Man: "You know, I'd really love to travel to exotic places with you." Woman: (tries to ignore him) Man: "You know what? I also love sex. What do you say to that?" Woman: "Hmmm...you really love sex and travel?" Man: (nods his head smiling) Woman: "Then go take a fuckin' hike!!!"
8. I like the line I once heard in a movie. This guy was trying to pick up this girl, and she said to him, "Can you pound a railroad spike through a 2x4 with your hard-on?" To which he merely shudders a negative. She says, "Well, a girl's gotta have her standards."
9. Man: "Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?" (Would you like to go to bed with me tonight?) Woman: "Je voudrais bien, mais je n'ai rien a porter." (I would love to, but I have nothing to wear)
10. What sign were you born under?
    → No Parking.
11. A guy comes up to a girl and tells her some pick-up line. She grabs his crotch, looks down at it, looks back at him, and says, "Sorry, I don't see any potential here" and nonchalantly walks off.
12. And here's one including the correct snappy return Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?" Woman: "Unfertilized, fuck off!"
13. After hearing a pick-up line: Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."
14. A girlfriend of mine once had a graying man in his 60's approach her in a club while she was in college with the line, "Where have you been all my life?" She took one glance at him and said, "For the first half of it, I probably wasn't born yet."
15. A friend of mine came up with a very quick response over vacation. We were walking down the street and I glanced at a girl who had just walked by. She turned around and said to me, "What are you looking at?" My friend, walking next to me came to the rescue, "He thought you were good looking, but he was mistaken."
16. While at college, a few friends were discussing how their "passes" had been rejected by the intended female recipient. One of the ladies explained how she handled it once... When the guy, obviously getting irritated, blurted out something like, "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason!" She responded, "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!" He immediately blanched, and decided that maybe he would look someplace else.
17. The attractive young woman was sitting at the bar, alone, when the lounge lizard made his move. "I'm here," he breathed huskily, "to fulfill your every sexual fantasy." The woman turned and looked at him. Her lips parted and she moistened them with the tip of her tongue. She leaned toward him with her hands on her thighs, and her eyes opened to the size of dinner plates. She paused just a second and then delivered the crusher line, "You've got a large donkey or Doberman?"
18. "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."
19. Man: "Hey, baby, if you come home with me, I can show you a really good time." Woman: "You know what your problem is? Your mouth is writing checks that your body can't cash."

25 Things a Wife would say in a "perfect world!"

1. I'll swallow it all... I love the taste!
2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
3. I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!
4. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?
5. That was a great fart! Do another one!
6. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
7. You're so sexy when you're hungover.
8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.
9. Let's subscribe to Hustler.
10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?
11. Say, let's go to the mall so you can check out women's asses.
12. I'll be painting the house.
13. I love it when you play golf on Sundays, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday, too.
14. Honey, our new neighbors 16 year old daughter is sunbathing again, come see!
15. I know it's a lot tighter back there, but would you please try again?
16. No, No, I'll take the car for an oil change.
17. Your mother is way better than mine.
18. Do me a favor...forget the stupid Valentines day thing and buy yourself some new clubs.
19. I understand fully...our anniversary comes every year for christ's sake, you go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever.
20. Oh come on.. what do you say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few joints and have my friend Bridget over for a threesome!
21. Not the fucking mall again... come on let's go to the new strip joint!
22. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us--why don't you retire and get that nagging golf handicap down to a 7 or 8.
23. You need your sleep...stop getting up for the baby's night feedings.
24. If I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I am going to explode!!
25. I signed up for aerobics so that I can get my ankles behind my ears for you!!