Women Jokes

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
→ Nothing, you told her twice.

A married man thought he would give his wife a birthday surprise by buying her a bra. He entered a ladies shop rather intimidated, but the girls took charge to help him.
"What color?" they asked. He settled for white.
"How much does it cost?" he asked. "Twenty dollars."
"Very good," he thought. All that remained was the size, but he hadn't the faintest idea.
"Now sir, are they the size a pair of melons? Coconuts? Grape fruits? Oranges?"
"No," he said, "nothing like that."
"Come on, sir, think. There must be something your wife's bust resembles."

He thought long and hard and then looked up and said, "Have you ever seen a Spaniel's ears?"

- Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it?

- Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?

- She: What do you love most, my natural beauty or my body?

- He: Your sense of humor.

- She: What do you love most, my natural beauty or my body?

- He: Your sense of humor.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90 percent.
Wedding cake!

What does a woman do to her asshole in the morning?
→ Sends him to work.

"You and your husband don't seem to have an awful lot in common," said the new tenant's neighbor. "Why on earth did you get married?"

"I suppose it was the old business of 'opposites attract'," was the reply. "He wasn't pregnant and I was."

A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. He asks, "What are you doing?"

She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old."

The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your 50 year old ass?"

She replies, "Frankly dear, your name never came up."

A husband and wife were in their back yard, and he was noticing her expanding backside. He commented, "Boy, your ass is getting big. Almost as big as the gas grill here." She angrily stomped across the yard, and he followed saying, "Yep, that thing is getting huge." At this, the wife retreated to the far side of the yard. Soon he approached with a tape measure, acquired the width, and exclaimed, "It IS as big as the gas grill!"

Later that night when they were in bed, the husband started making moves on his wife. She just turned away. "C'mon, honey," he said, "what's wrong?"

Her cold reply was, "I'm not firing up this grill for just one little weiner!"