Travel Jokes

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport then could get himself home.

So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.

The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain His financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big time.

Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.

The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked?

"Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blow job on the way?"

"What?! Get the hell out of my cab."

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied, "Fifteen bucks."

The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver in line.

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. His needle hit 90, 100, 110. Then the reality of the situation hit him.

"What the heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. Finally he came to the window looking steadily at the driver and said, "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go!"

The driver blinked only once while his brain scrambled for a reply. "Last week my wife ran off with a cop," he said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Off you go," said the officer.

A loud American, looking for properties to buy out in Australia is in the bar of the Railway Hotel.

"Yeah, ma'am" he says to the barmaid " ah'm looking to buy me a ranch- stations, you call them, so they tell me. Ah come from Texas and ah'm looking for a big spread because where I come from in Texas, everythang is BIG. Why, do you know, mah ranch in Texas is so big, it takes a whole week to ride around it on a horse?"

"Yeah?" says a wizened station hand sitting at the bar. "If we had a horse like that we'd turn it into glue."

Poor Billy is dating a rich girl and has no idea what to give her for her birthday, (as she has everything) as he tells of his dilema to his friend, his friend suggests that he tatoo her name on his sex organ. Billy goes to a tattoo parlor and tells the man her name is Wendy.

When finished he looks down and sees. . "W Y" and says "Hey I said her name was Wendy"

Man says "Don't worry shake it." . . . He does, . . and voila! - Wendy.

He ties a ribbon on it and presents it to his girl. . . she is so happy that she invites him on a Carribean cruise.

While in port at Jamaica in a disco he goes to the bathroom. While at the urinal a tall Jamaican stands next to him glances down sees "W Y" and says "W Y, huh?"

Billy says oh! its my girlfriend's name, look (shakes it. . . Wendy)

Jamaican says: "Ah good show man, Wendy, very nice."

Billy looks at the Jamaican and notices his organ also says "W Y".

Billy says: "Hey, wait a minute, yours says Wendy too?"

"Ah no man. Mine says "Welcome to Jamaica have a nice day."

Why did the blonde go half way to Norway and then turn around and come home?
→ It took her that long to discover that a 14-inch Viking was a television.

On her way home a blonde drove past a sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES".

By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.

A Canadian is on vacation and walks into a bar.

He sits on this HUGE stool and says to the bartender, 'man, I heard things are big down here in Texas, but this is ridiculas!' and orders a mug of beer.

He gets a pitcher of beer and asks the bartender, 'man, I heard that things are big down here in Texas, but this is ridiculas!' and goes about drinking his beer. He orders another and he gets really pissed drunk.

Well, not too long later, he has to go to the bathroom really, really bad so he asks the bartender, 'Where is your washroom???' The bartender says, 'down the hall, second door on the right.' So the man climbs off the stool and stumbles down the hall and enters the second door to the left and falls in this huge swimming pool.

The man is struggling to stay afloat and screams 'DON'T FLUSH IT!!!'

You Know You're in New York City When...

1. Nuns walk down the street carrying automatic weapons.
2. You can run into the corner deli and have an eat-in lunch with dessert in the time it takes to cross the intersection of 8th and 42nd at rush hour.
3. A flying saucer can pass overhead and you hear the locals say, "Ack. More damned aliens."
4. The aroma of smoked meat is able to counteract the smell of smog and pollution.
5. The priest in the cadillac behind you gives you the finger for cutting him off.
6. You pass a convenience store advertising "Free green cards, no questions asked."
7. The gas station attendants actually speak English.
8. The unearthly pounding of the cranked up bass in the El Camino next to you is drowned out by the cabs honking their horns.
9. A person with rainbow striped hair can pass by without anyone staring.
10. The bumper sticker on the senior citizen's car in front of you reads, "Warning: I break for pedestrians."

I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large new motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister."

I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went in back to make a sandwich!

Two americans were walking through Leicester but couldn't agree on how to pronounce it so they decided to stop for lunch and ask the waitress.

They sat down to eat their lunch and called the waitress over: "Can you tell us where we are please but say it slowly", to which the waiteress replied "Bur-ger Ki-ng"