Travel Jokes

What do you say to a one legged hitch-hiker?
→ Hop in.

Two cab drivers met.

"Hey," asked one, "what's the idea of painting one side of your cab red and the other side blue?"

"Well," the other responded, "when I get into an accident, you should see how all the witnesses contradict each other."

A fellow was following a truck in heavy traffic. Every block or so, when they were stopped at a stop light, the driver of the truck would jump out of the cab with a big stick and bang on the side of the cargo bay. He'd then jump back into the cab in time to drive away when the signal changed.

The first fellow observed this for several miles, until he could stand it no longer. The next time the truck driver jumped out with the stick, the first fellow jumped out and ran up to him. "I'm sorry to bother you," he said, over the din of the banging, "but I am very curious; could you tell me what you are doing?"

Without breaking rhythm, the truck driver replied, "Sure, Mac. Ya see, this here's a six-ton truck but I've got eight tons of canaries aboard, so I've gotta keep two ton of them flying all the time so I don't break an axle".

- Wife: There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburettor.

- Husband: Water in the carburettor? That's ridiculous.

- Wife: I tell you the car has water in the carburettor.

- Husband: You don't even know what a carburettor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?

- Wife: In the pool.

A driver pulled up beside a rundown farmhouse. He got out and knocked at the door. A very old woman answered the door, and he asked her for directions to Des Moines.

"Don't know," the woman said.

He got back in his car and pulled away. Then he heard voices.

He looked in his rearview mirror and saw the woman and an equally old man waving for him to come back.

So he made a U-turn and drove up to them.

"This is my husband," the old woman said. "He doesn't know how to get to Des Moines either."

A young bloke has started work on a property, and the boss sends him up the back paddocks to do some fencing work, but come evening he's half an hour late. The boss gets on the CB radio to check if he's all right.

"I've got a problem, Boss. I'm stuck 'ere. I've hit a pig!"

"Ah well, these things happen sometimes," the boss says.

"Just drag the carcass off the road so nobody else hits it in the dark."

"But he's not dead, boss. He's gotten tangled up on the bull bar, and I've tried to untangle him, but he's kicking and squealing, and he's real big boss. I'm afraid he's gonna hurt me!"

"Never mind," says the boss. "There's a .303 under the tarp in the back. Get that out and shoot him. Then drag the carcass off the road and come on home."

"Okay, boss."

Another half an hour goes by, but there's still not a peep from the young fella. The boss gets back on the CB. "What's the problem, son?"

"Well, I did what you said boss, but I'm still stuck."

"What's up? Did you drag the pig off the road like I said?"

"Yeah boss, but his motorcycle is still jammed under the truck."

A man is driving down the road for a long period of time.

During his travel, he sees a priest with a gas can hitch hiking, so he gladly picks him up he says, "Normally father, i dont pick up hitch hikers. You seem like a man of dignity so i thought id make an exception.

In fact i hate hitch hikers. The priest nods his head and they drive on

Along the way, The driver spots another man hitch hiking. "that dirty son of %$#%#% ill fix him". He then swirves the car and tries to make the hit and run like an accident. Dang! i missed. The priests yells, "Don't worry i got him with the gas can!"

A man was driving up a steep and narrow mountain road. A woman was driving down the same road.

As they passed each other, the woman leaned out the window and yelled, "Pig!"

The man immediately leaned out his window and replied, "Moron!"

They continue on their way and as the man rounded the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.

A guy driving a truck in the middle of nowhere picks up a hitch-hiker.

It gets dark and the hitch-hiker falls asleep. Suddenly bang, and the hitch-hiker wakes up, "what the hell was that?". The truck driver replies, "some kinda animal, go back to sleep."

Further the same thing again, bang, "What the hell was that?", "some kinda animal again."

Further into the night, bang, bang, bang, "What the hell was that?", "Some bastard!". "How terrible", says the hitch-hiker, "but there were 3 bangs"

The truck driver replies, "Yeah, well I had to go through two fences to get the bastard. . ."

A quadruple amputee is waiting at the bus stop.

The bus pulls up.

Driver says "alright John, how you getting on today?"