Sport Jokes

The Top 9 Signs Your City Used Bribes to Become an Olympic Site

9. IOC members seem unconcerned over scheduling conflicts due to the yachting, diving and swimming events all being held in the 34th Street YMCA pool.
10. All 75 of the new hires in the mayor's office are named either Ingrid or Sven.
11. After Philadelphia lands the Summer Games, Juan Antonio Samaranch sports a hood ornament that looks strangely like the Liberty Bell.
12. Only someone bribed with hookers and college tuition wouldn't think the term "New York City Hospitality Committee" is an oxymoron.
13. Karl Malone is now playing forward for the Utah Samaranches.
14. T-shirt for sale in the hotel lobby: "My dad went to Salt Lake City, and all I got was this T-shirt and college tuition."
15. "Miss Salt Lake" for 1999 requires a translator to deliver her coronation speech.
16. New Olympic mascots: Vinny and Knuckles.

and the Number 1 Sign Your City Used Bribes to Become an Olympic Site...

1. The IOC suddenly decides to change the official cycling uniforms to white shirts and ties.

• After shooting the blank gun to end the half, the Dallas Cowboy players start shooting back with live ammunition.
• Calling "heads or tails" but never getting any. . . "head" or "tail".
• Players get "the wave". . . refs get "the finger".
• Anyone who makes a call against the Detroit Lions risks pissing off their last remaining fan.
• With Reggie White retired, the penalty for "Illegal use of a racial slur" is meaningless.
• Just when we thought it was safe to be an NFL Ref, we have to go back to frickin' CLEVELAND!!!
• Thanks to instant replay, picking nose during a game is twice as risky.
• Everyone else gets to wear their Autumn colors, but for me it's black and white week after week after week!
• Don King only bribes boxing judges.
• Official rule books not made in Braille.
• I'm the one that everybody wants to kill, so where's MY helmet and pads?!

When a football team is having trouble getting into the win column, fans usually assign a more appropriate name to describe that team's performance. Here is a collection of some of these lame names for the NFL.

AFC West

Denver Broncos - Denver Donkeys
Kansas City Chiefs - Kansas City Griefs
Los Angeles Raiders - Los Angeles Faders
San Diego Chargers - San Diego Rechargers
Seattle Seahawks - Seattle Weehawks

AFC Central

Cincinnati Bengals - Cincinnati Plaingels
Cleveland Browns - Cleveland Clowns
Houston Oilers - Houston Spoilers
Pittsburgh Steelers - Pittsburgh Reelers

AFC East

Buffalo Bills - Buffalo Nils / Buffalo Spills
Indianapolis Colts - Indianapolis Dolts
Miami Dolphins - Miami Stallfins / Miami Soft Ones
New England Patriots - New England Patsys
New York Jets - New York Pets / New York Not Yets

NFC West

Atlanta Falcons - Atlanta Fellcons
New Orleans Saints - New Orleans Aint's
Los Angeles Rams - Los Angeles Lambs
San Francisco 49ers - San Francisco Whiners

NFC Central

Chicago Bears - Chicago Fairs
Detroit Lions - Detroit Cryin's / Detroit Kittens
Green Bay Packers - Green Bay Fudgepackers / Green Bay Slackers / Green Bay Whackers
Minnesota Vikings - Minnesota Tykes / Minnesota ViQueens
Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Tampa Bay Yuccaneers

NFC East

Arizona Cardinals - Arizona Tardynals
Dallas Cowboys - Dallas Cowgirls / Dallas Cowpie
New York Giants - New York Midgets
Philadelphia Eagles - Philadelphia Beagles
Washington Redskins - Washington Deadskins

Expansion Teams

Carolina Panthers - Carolina Can't-thers
Jacksonville Jaguars - Jacksonville Saguars

What did Louis Farrakahn say to Mike Tyson after the fight?
→ No stupid an Eye for an Eye!!!!

Tyson's psychologist told Mike to take a year off, he obviously misunderstood....good thing he didn't say two!

Tyson's favorite football team-the Tampa Bay Buc-an-EARS. For the third fight between Mike and Evander, Tyson wants it to be held in Earie, PA.

New Tyson burger: There is a piece of the champ in every bite!!!

They are making a new boxing term for Tyson....instead of KO, it will be a Van Gogh. "Evander was Van Gogh'd in the third!!!"

Can't beat um...

Eat um!!!!

If Tyson fights Golatta, is it more points for a low blow or an ear bite?

In this corner Evander "the Real Meal" Holyfield!!!!!!!

Before the fight, Mike's trainer told him to get a piece of Holyfied. Oops, bad advice.

Iron BITE Tyson, the heavyweight CHOMP of the world!

Top Dallas Cowboy Excuses (for losing 1995 NFC Championship)
From David Letterman - Tuesday, January 17, 1995

• Afraid to play in Super Bowl against anyone but the Bills.
• Distracted by delicious smell of barbecue coming from John Madden's announce booth.
• Trying to make one of Marv Albert's blooper reels.
• Our friends on New York Jets convinced us: "Winning's no big deal."
• Worried sick about Letterman botching the Academy Awards.
• Those big guys on other team kept trying to knock us down.
• Who needs all the pressure of a Super Bowl? Not us, Lonnie!
• What a time to notice, them cheerleader outfits is skimpy!
• Tired of going to Disneyland.

British Rail have decided to start sponsoring Forest. BR think they are a suitable team because of their regular points failures.

The Nottingham Forest Chairman is considering replacing Big Ron with Steve Davis. Explaining this unusual move, he said "we don't just need points now, we need snookers!"

Big Ron was caught speeding on his way to the City Ground today.

"I'll do anything for 3 points", he said when questioned.

Apparently, Harry Redknapp offered to send the West Ham squad on an expenses paid holiday to Florida but they said they'd rather go to Blackpool so they could see what it's like to ride on an open-top bus.

The Fire brigade phones George Graham in the early hours of Sunday morning.

- Mr Graham sir, White Hart Lane is on fire!

- The cups man! Save the cups!

- Uh, the fire hasn't spread to the canteen yet, sir.