Situations

A man walks into a palm reader store and asks the reader, "Could you read my palm?" He shows his hand to her, and she says, "But... I can't read your hand."
"Why?" the man asks.
"I don't understand your handwriting," the woman replies.

The world's most incredibly lazy man found a magic lamp. He rubbed it and a genie appeared and granted him three wishes. He wished for a horse, a sumo wrestler and a squirrel.

"They're yours, but what are they for?" the genie asked.
"I'm tired of walking everywhere--I want to just ride the horse. The sumo wrestler is so that I won't have to work to get on the horse."
"But the squirrel?" asked the genie.
"I need something to go 'click-click' to start the horse!!!"

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a cosmos of nothingness.

What did Snow white say when her photos didn't come back from the photo store?
→ "Some day my prints will come!"

What's te definition of a bachelor pad?
→ All the house plants are dead, but there's something growing in the refrigerator.

How many Survivors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ One to start screwing it in and the rest to vote 'em off the ladder.

This morning I felt that today was going to be my lucky day. I got up at seven, had seven dollars in my pocket, there were seven of us at lunch and there were seven horses in the seven o'clock race - so I backed the seventh.

- Did it win?

- No, it came seventh.

Last night I dreamt I ate a giant marshmallow.
When I woke up my pillow was gone!

Why did the knight run about shouting for a tin opener?
→ He had a bee in his suit of armour!