Situations

There was this fisherman that always had a good day fishing. His friend, the game warden, couldn't figure out how he did it, so one day the game warden decided to go fishing with his friend. The fisherman took his friend the warden out to his favorite spot. Once there, the fisherman took a stick of dynamite out of his backpack, lit it, and threw it into the water. The dynamite exploded and a dozen fish floated to the top. The game warden said, "That's illegal, you can't do that."

The fisherman goes, "Really?" He then lights another stick of dynamite and throws it into the water. The dynamite exploded, and a dozen more fish floated to the top. The game warden said, "Stop that now, and take this boat back to shore...

I'm going to have to give you a citation and confiscate all your gear." The fisherman said, "Oh, really?" He then lights another stick of dynamite, throws it into the game warden's lap, and said "You gonna sit there and keep flapping your trap, or are you gonna fish?"

So you don't know Jack Schitt

He's the only son of Awh Schitt and Oh Schitt.

Awh Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Oh Schitt, the owner of the Kneedeep Schitt Inn. Jack Schitt, their first, passed on shortly after birth. Next came twin sons, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, two daughters, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, and another son, Bull Schitt. Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. Dip Schitt married Lotta Schitt, and they have a son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, married the Happens brothers. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt and Horace Schitt. Bull Schitt just married a spice number, Pisa Schitt, and they are awaiting the arrival of Baby Schitt. So now you know Jack Schitt.

YOU KNOW WHEN THE POST OFFICE IS HIRING WHEN THE FLAG OUT FRONT IS AT HALF MAST.
THE POSTAL WORKERS WANT HAZZARD PAY AND WORKERS COMP FOR SLIPPING ON SHELL CASINGS

• If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room
• When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late
• Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it
• A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies
• If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes
• A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep
• Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old
• Super glue is forever
• McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know
• No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water
• Pool filters do not like Jello
• VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do
• Always look in the oven before you turn it on
• The fire department in San Jose has at least a 5 minute response time
• The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy
• It will however make cats dizzy
• Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy

• OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.
• FOOL other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.
• LOSE weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.
• AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
• NO TIME for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
• SAVE ON BOOZE by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
• RECREATE the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

• 0-9: Extremely slow. Even a trip to the store with Mom seems like going to Albania - by covered wagon. Most common phrase: "Is it Christmas yet?"
• 10-19: Still slow. Scientific evidence seems to show that school clocks actually move backwards just before the bell rings.
• 20-29: Alternately fast and slow. Weekends seem shorter and shorter, yet paychecks seem further and further apart.
• 30-39: Time achieves warp speed, except when put on hold on the telephone and forced to endure anything longer than 5 seconds of Muzak. Most common phrase: "Is it Christmas already?"
• 40-49: Still fast. Seems like just yesterday when Jerry Brown said he might run for President. Wait a minute! It WAS yesterday when he said that. Also, Dick Clark still looks the same. Could time be slowing down?
• 60-69: Hey! What happened to 50-59?
• 70+: Unbelievably fast. Wars used to last years. Now it seems like they're over in a couple weeks.

• 40: Californians shiver uncontrollably, Minnesotans go swimming.
• 35: Italian cars don't start.
• 32: Water freezes.
• 30: You can see your breath. Politicians begin to worry about the Homeless.
• 25: Boston water freezes. Cat insists on sleeping on your bed with you.
• 20: Californians weep pitiably, Minnesotans eat ice cream. You can hear your breath.
• 15: N.Y. City water freezes. Politicians begin to talk aobut the homeless.
• 12: You plan a vacation to Mexico.
• 10: Too cold to snow
• 5: You need jumper cables to get the car going. Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you.
• 3: You plan a vacation in Houston.
• 0: Too cold to skate. American cars don't start.
• -5: You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo.
• -10: Too cold to think. Politicians actually do something about the homeless.
• -15: Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you. You need jumper cables to get the driver going.
• -20: You plan a 2-week hot bath.
• -25: The mighty Monongahela freezes. Japanese cars don't start.
• -30: Californians disappear, Minnesotans button top button...
• Below -30: The kids call home from college.

End of the world...

Sherlock Holmes and Matthew Watson were on a camping and hiking trip. They had gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky.

Holmes said, "Watson, look up. What do you see?"

"Well, I see thousands of stars."

"And what does that mean to you?"

"Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?"

"To me, it means someone has stolen our tent."

You know you're in a small town.....

• when you don't use turn signals because everybody knows where you're going.
• if you're born on June 13 and your family receives gifts from the local merchants because you're the first baby of the year.
• if you speak to each dog you pass, by name ..... and he wags his tail at you
• if you dial the wrong number, and talk for 15 minutes anyway.
• when the biggest business in town sells farm machinery.
• if you write a check on the wrong bank and it covers you anyway.
• if you missed church on Sunday and the preacher sends you a get-well card!

This guy was driving down the highway and was pulled over by the cops. The cop asked the man for his name and the guy replied, "Earl."

"You got a last name, Earl?"

"Nope. It's a long story, Officer."

"I got time."

Earl sighs and says, "Well, Officer, at first I was known as Earl Doo-Daa. I was going to school to become a doctor, and I did, so I was known as Earl Doo-Daa, MD. I got bored just being a doctor so I went to dental school, graduated, and became Earl Doo-Daa, M.D., D.D. After a little more time I fooled around with this girl and got VD. So I was known as Earl Doo-Daa, MD, DD, with VD. When the medical board found out about my VD they took away my MD so I was known as Earl Doo-Daa, DD with VD. The dentistry board also found out about the VD and took away my DD making me Earl Doo-Dah with VD. Finally, the VD took away my Doo-Dah so I'm now just Earl."