Situations

This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket.

That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.

What is an activity performed by 40% of all people at a party?
→ Snoop in your medicine cabinet.

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
→ Two.

One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.

Hear about the guy who played a blank tape at full blast.

The mime next door went nuts.

What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover?
→ A rash of good luck.

A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"

"Ten," she replied.

"What are their names?" he asked.

"LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, and LeRoy," she answered.

"They're all named LeRoy?" he asked. "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?"

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'LeRoy,' and they all come running in."

"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"

"I just say, 'LeRoy, come eat your dinner'," she answered.

"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"

The man walked past the armored car and hears people talking inside. He stepped closer to hear what they were saying: "I see you, and I'll raise you another sixty thousand."

What do you do if you come across an elephant in the jungle?
→ Wipe it off and say you're sorry.

If god had wanted us to run around naked, we would have been born that way.

What did the blind man say when he was handed a cheese grater?
→ "Thats the most violent book I've ever read."