Situations

Two old friends are having coffee when the first woman says, "I hear that you've been telling people that I'm ugly!"

"Oh NO! I've just been saying that your new hairdo makes you look less attractive."

"I also heard that you've been calling me fat?!?"

"Oh NO! I just said that the way you wear those stripes makes you look larger than you really are."

"I've also heard that you're saying that my husband has a wart on his dick!"

"Oh NO! I only said that it feels like he has a wart on his dick!"

Two old friends are having coffee when the first woman says, "I hear that you've been telling people that I'm ugly!"

"Oh NO! I've just been saying that your new hairdo makes you look less attractive."

"I also heard that you've been calling me fat?!?"

"Oh NO! I just said that the way you wear those stripes makes you look larger than you really are."

"I've also heard that you're saying that my husband has a wart on his dick!"

"Oh NO! I only said that it feels like he has a wart on his dick!"

HIS:

1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number and account
4. Take cash, card and receipt

HER:

1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written on it.
9. Enter PIN number
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Re-enter correct PIN number
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. STOP
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in reverse gear
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Travel 3 miles
41. Release parking brake

1. Get up.
2. Pee.
3. Drink raspberry-cranberry tea.
4. Pee.
5. Apply makeup. Pee first so you don't have to stop in the middle.
6. Drive to work. Pee at gas station. Complain about dirty restroom. Go to a different gas station and pee there.
7. Get to work at Burger King. Pee. Wash hands.
8. Lunch. Slimfast. Pee.
9. Arrive home. Pee. Shower. Pee.
10. Promise sex to husband. Pee. Get up in the middle of sex and pee.
11. Pee. Go to bed. Get up at 3 A.M. waking husband but instead of giving him head, go and pee.

The media have grotesquely skewed the public image of women who choose to own firearms. Unfortunately, such exposure can affect one's self-image. This test is offered in the hopes of putting these false images into a more proper perspective.

Please circle your answers to each below:

1. What is the real meaning of that pink T-shirt with a revolver on it that says: "The ultimate in feminine protection" ?

1. Obviously a plot by seditious gun fanatics from the NRA.
2. I'm amazed the pigs have no law banning women's T-Shirts.
3. A 9mm for "light days" and a .44 Magnum for "heavy days".

2. For rape and assault prevention, a whistle is:

1. All you'll ever need.
2. Like I'd use yet another phallic symbol.
3. The signal to open Fire.

3. The movie "Thelma & Louise" was:

1. An insidious plot to stamp out femininity and glorify violence.
2. A male ploy to encourage further suppression of women.
3. A training film.

4. What was technically wrong with the scene in "Thelma & Louise" where the two women disarmed a Texas State Police Officer.

1. Tacky, tasteless, and altogether gauche I mean pointing guns; let alone taking his icky, disgusting gun for their own use.
2. Only thing I saw wrong was that it took two sisters to disarm only one man; not realistic at all.
3. The dummies left a perfectly good shotgun clamped to the dashboard of the cruiser.

5. A mouse runs across the kitchen floor. The proper response it to:

1. Climb onto a high stool and scream for a man to help you.
2. Is it a male mouse or a female mouse ?
3. Link up the belt feed to the M-60.

6. You are discussing the local crime stats with your neighbor, Ralph, who suggests you buy a .25 caliber pistol for defense. You reply:

1. Never! A woman who buys a gun has humiliatingly surrendered to the evil ethos of mindless brute force!
2. Yeah, like I'm supposed to stand there and let old fat gut Ralph leer and drool like he usually does. Men are such pigs !
3. Only to plant in the dead hand of the next little weasel stupid enough to give me whimpy advice like that!

7. What is your reaction to the concept of a bra holster ? [INLINE]

1. Obscene ! The icon of death with the symbol of nurturing.
2. What's a bra ?
3. As long as it doesn't get in the way of my shoulder sling.

8. Define "male."

1. The first syllable of "malevolence," which in turn is only one letter short of "male violence."
2. An animal with a one track mind. A brute who feels the need to try to control, suppress, double-talk all women everywhere.
3. A quaint anachronism, once useful for protection of females, but rendered obsolete by contemporary firepower.

9. Where, in the scheme of things defensive, do such spray products as Mace and CapStun belong?

1. Nowhere! If you just show your attacker compassion and understanding, you won't need nasty things like that.
2. Yet more products of questionable effect manufactured by the male dominated industrial complex to make women feel somewhat secure.
3. In the medicine cabinet; real women use mace instead of Feminique.

10. You are cornered in your home by a knife-wielding intruder. He ignores your command to halt, and charges you with the knife upraised. How many shots should you fire?

1. None. It would be better to die or submit than sacrifice moral victory by using deadly force. How unseemly and gauche.
2. As many as I had, assuming the male dominated firearms industry would sell me a gun; or let alone ammunition in the first place.
3. A minimum of fifty shots. Hey, how often do you get a chance like that to express yourself, and get in touch with your feelings?

Grading the Exam

If 8 or more of your answers were "1": This indicates you're a true pacifist. Perhaps the meek will indeed inherit the earth someday, as it is written, but only when the rest of us are done with it.

If 8 or more of your answers were "2": Hey babe -- you're stuck in the 60's sweetheart. Loosen up! A full 12.7% of you chicks have good jobs and make almost as much us men now. I mean like ... What more do you want outta us poor males ?

If 8 or more of your answers were "3": Don't feel too bad. Society may not yet have a place for you, but Hollywood will, as soon as they start casting for the lead role in "Bride of Rambo".

A well respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.

"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.

"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"

"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely.

"In fact, three doctors are there already!"

Don't you just hate it when you go to the doctor, and you're sitting on the examination table telling him about your symptoms, and with each new one you describe, he backs a little further away?

A young kid's in a shipwreck and he winds up stranded on a tropical island. For twenty years he never sees another human being. Then one day a beautiful girl with long blond hair, her clothes half-ripped off, washes up on a piece of driftwood. He explains to her how he existed for twenty years, digging for clams, and eating fruits and berries. She says, "Well, what did you do for love?" He says, "Love? What's that?" She says, "I'll show you." She shows him. Then she shows him again. Then she shows him one more time. When they're finally done, she says, "Well, how do you like love?" He says, "It's great. But look what you did to my clam digger."

At a conference on the supernatural, one of the speakers asked, "Who here has ever seen a ghost?" Most of the hands go up. "And how many of you have had some form of interaction with a ghost?" About half the hands stay up.

"OK, now how many of you have had physical contact with a ghost?" Three hands stay up; there's a slight murmur in the crowd. "Gosh, that's pretty good. OK, have any of you ever, uh, been intimate with a ghost?" One hand stays up. The speaker blinks. "Gosh, sir, are you telling us that you've actually had sexual contact with a ghost?" The guy with his hand up suddenly blushes and says, "Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you said 'goat'."

Everybody has a dog called Rover or Spot. I call my dog "Sex". When I went to city hall to buy a licence I told the clerk I wanted a licence for Sex. He said "I'd like one too." But then I said "This is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said "You don't understand I've had Sex since I was nine years old." He said "You must have been quite a kid." When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife, me and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the place was for sex. I said "You don't understand Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said "Me too." One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand," I said. I hoped to have Sex on T.V. He called me a show off.

When my wife and I seperated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said "Your honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said "Me too." Then I told him that after I was married Sex left. He said "Me too."

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked "What are you doing in this alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?" I said I'm looking for Sex. My case comes up Friday.