Sex Jokes

How does a yuppie couple perform doggie-style sex?
→ He sits up and begs and she lies down and plays dead.

What's the difference between white onions, brown onions and a 14 inch dick?
→ Nothing. They all make woman's eyes water.

How do you piss your girlfriend of when your having sex?
→ Call her up

After spending a night at a hotel with a prostitute, the politician took $300 out of his wallet and placed it on the dressing table.

"Thanks," she said. "But I only charge $20."

"Twenty bucks for the entire night?" the amazed MP replied. "You can't make a living on that."

"Oh, don't worry," the whore replied. "I do a little blackmail on the side!"

A man is walking along one day and he comes upon a ladder. Looking up, he sees that the ladder disappears into the clouds. Curious, he begins to climb. Before long, he is in the clouds. He looks around and sees the most horribly ugly woman he has ever seen in his life. Obese, snaggle-toothed, matted hair..... She looks at him, beckons, and says, "Have sex with me, or climb the ladder to success."

Well, having no intention of doing anything with this woman, the man climbs higher up the ladder. A bit further on, he comes upon a woman slightly less ugly than the woman before. Not attractive, by any means, but not repugnant. "Have sex with me, or climb the ladder to success," she says.

Again, the man elects to continue his climb.

Before long, he comes upon another woman. This one is actually attractive. Not a knock-out, but very pleasing. "Have sex with me, or climb the ladder to success."

Well, he figures the women keep getting better and better looking as he gets higher and higher. So he decides to continue climbing.

A bit farther up is the most gorgeous woman he's ever seen in his life! Miss America beautiful. In a sultry voice she says, "Have sex with me, or climb the ladder to success." Well, needless to say he is very tempted.

But he just can't imagine what could top this woman, so he decides to climb higher.

On the next cloud up is a horrid 500 lb man. You can see the lice in his hair, he stinks, his clothes are ratty..... "Who are you?" our climber asks in horror. Grinning a toothless grin, the man looks at him and says, "Hi. I'm Cess."

An old sailing ship is becalmed at sea with a full complement of sailors. They are stuck there for days and days with nothing to do. One morning the captain decides he is going to lay on some entertainment for the men. He orders a barrel to be placed on the top deck. It has an orifice in the side and he invites each one of the men to "take the pleasures" of the barrel to their heart's content. Soon a full-fledged hedonistic orgy is underway. The men are cheerful once again and morale is boosted. Things reach such a frenzy that even the captain's dog has a go. Once the party is over and the barrel is full of the team's spirit, it is bunged up and thrown overboard. The ship sails away.

A few days later the barrel comes ashore on the beach of a deserted island in the middle of nowhere. The only inhabitants of the island are the nuns who have founded their convent there. The nuns find the barrel and open it. They don't recognize the contents and take it to be wax, from which they fashion candles. Of course, nuns being nuns, they use the candles in the way only nuns can. Nine months later an inordinate number of babies appear inexplicably on the island.

One of the nuns is very guilty about her sins and approaches the Mother Superior for confession. "Forgive me, Mother. I have had a baby." The Mother Superior says, "That's nothing, my child. I've had puppies."

Mrs. Schmidlap hires a maid with beautiful blonde hair. The first morning, the girl pulls off the hair and says, "I wear a wig, because I was born totally hairless. Not a hair on my body, not even down there." That night, Mrs. Schmidlap tells her husband. He says, "I've never seen anything like that. Please tomorrow, ask her to go into the bedroom and show you. I want to hide in the closet so I can have a look." The next day, Mrs. Schmidlap asks the girl, the two of them go into the bedroom, and the girl strips and shows her.

Then the girl says, "I've never seen one with hair on it. Can I see yours?"

So Mrs. Schmidlap pulls off her clothes and shows her. That night, Mrs. Schmidlap says to her husband, "I hope you're satisfied, because I was pretty embarrassed when that girl asked to see mine." Her husband says, "You think you were embarrassed...

I had the four guys I play poker with in the closet with me."

A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighborhood. Suddenly he realized there was a couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree. Then another couple behind some bushes by the house. He walked up to the door of the house, and knocked. A well dressed woman answered the door, and the man asked what kind of a place this was. "This is a brothel" replied the madam.

- Well, what's all this out on the lawn?

- Oh, we're having a yard sale today.

A divorced woman had been on her own for several months and was starting to get extremely horny. She went to the grocery store and while there starting eyeing the bag boy. On the way out to the car she decided to make her move. Leaning over to the boy she whispered, "You know, I've got and itchy pussy...." The boy replied, "Well you're gonna have to point it out, ma'am, all those Japanese cars look alike to me!"

What did the egg say to the boiling water?
→ "I just got laid and now you want me to get hard?!"