Sex Jokes

Husband, upon meeting ex- after two years of separation:

- Husband: Listen honey, why don't we have a few drinks, dinner, go to my apartment and really make love?

- Ex-: Over my dead body!

- Husband: You haven't changed a bit

A woman and her lover are on the bed in the woman's home, when all of a sudden, they hear the front door open and close.

"Oh, no, it's my husband!"

The man says, "Where's your back door?"

"We don't have a back door" says the woman.

The man then asks, "Well, where do you want a back door?"

A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter.

Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "You know that fur coat you promised me Irving?"

She answered by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money!"

She then said, "Irving, remember that new car you promised me?"

She answered again saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance money!"

Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving remember that BlowJob I promised you? Here it comes..."

A bloke wakes up in the middle of the night and rolls over and shoves an aspirin down his wife's throat. All of a sudden she wakes up and yells, "What the fuck are you doing?"

"Just giving you an aspirin for your headache." The bloke answered.

"But I ain't got a headache," she yelled back.

"Good then, Lets fuck!" said the bloke.

Two mates are having a chat over a beer.

"Do you like sheilas with bad body odour and bad breath?" one bloke asks his friend.

"No way!" his mate replies.

"Well," says the first bloke, "do you like pussies you could hide a watermelon in?"

"Fuck no!" his mate replies.

"Well," says the first bloke, "what the hell are you doing fuckin' around with my wife?"

Magnussen goes to a marriage counselor and says, "My wife isn't as much fun as she used to be."

The marriage counselor says, "Do you still enjoy a roll in the hay?"

Magnussen says, "As much as the next fellow."

The counselor says, "Maybe between you and the next fellow, she's exhausted."

How many women does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
→ Three. One to screw in the lightbulb, and another to suck my dick, as I beat my wife!

"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore."

"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."

The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on."

The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

Two newlyweds are riding in the back of a limo on the way to their honeymoon boat cruise. The husband says, "Honey, I want to stop and pick up some condoms before we go." "Good idea," she says. "While you're in there, pick me up some Dramamine."

The groom gets out, walks into the drugstore and says to the clerk, "I'd like a box of condoms and a package of Dramamine, please."

"Yes sir, says the clerk, "but do you mind if I ask you a question? If it makes you nauseous, why do you do it?"