Sex Jokes

Two brunettes and a blonde are having lunch at a cafe, all three are pregnant. Through out the coversation the topic of sex and pregnancy comes up, finally culminating in each one discussing their respective fetus' and the manner of conception.

The first brunette says "I know I am going to have a boy because I was on top."

The second brunette says "I know I am going to have a girl because I was on the bottom."

The blonde is silent, she has a stricken look on her face, finally she bursts out "Oh my god, I'm going to have a puppy".

What did the hurricane say to the coconut?
→ Hold on to your nuts, it's going to be a hell of a blow job!

Uh...top 10 things not to say to a naked man:

10. Awww...that's cute
11. Well, at least you're good at other things
12. Do you think it'll fit in my old Barbie clothes?
13. My li'l brother has one like that.
14. Are you cold?
15. ::giggles::
16. Maybe we should just be friends
17. Can you make it dance?
18. Umm...maybe you should get dressed
19. Oh...look...its hiding!

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies. "O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife. "No, no boyfriend either."

"Do you have a partner then?" "No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black"

"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black."

"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."

"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"

"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."

"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."

At this the midwife again apologises collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank God for that!" "What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.

"WHEW!" says the girl extremely relieved... "I had this horrible feeling that it was going to bark!"

A frustrated wife decided her sex life needed spicing up.

After work, she went shopping and picked up a pair of crotchless panties. She went home and donned the new garment, and selected a short skirt to go with it.

She greeted her husband when he came home from work and sat across from him as she sipped a drink.

She slowly spread her legs ... "Honey would you like some of this?" she asked enticingly. "Hell no!" he gasped, "look what it's done to your underwear!"

What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
→ A hooker can clean her crack and resell it the next day.

One day, little Mikey came home from kindergarten and couldn't find his mother. So he headed upstairs and opened her bedroom door.

To his surprise, he saw his dad stripped naked on top of his mom, who was also naked, both heavily into the sexual act. Not wanting to traumatize the boy, the parents continued to do what they were doing.

After a couple of minutes, Mikey asked, "Daddy, can I climb on top and have a horsey ride?"

The dad thinks for a second, "Of course son, we're a family."

After a couple more minutes his mother starts moaning and writhing wildly.

"Hang on Dad!" cries Mikey, "This is where me and the mailman usually fall off!"

What does a blonde do after waking up?
→ Go Home.
→ Introduce herself to the guy on the bed.

Whats a lesbian dinosaur?
→ A lickalotofpuss !

Whats a gay dinosaur?
→ A lickdicknopuss !

One night a boy wakes up and goes into his parents room and they're having sex. He asks what they're doing and the father says "we're playing poker" and the mother says "& I'm his partner".

He then goes into his grandparents room and asks what they're doing. The grandfather says "We're playing poker" and the grandmother says "& I'm his partner".

He then goes into his brothers room and he's wanking. He asks what he's doing. The brother says "I'm playing poker".

The other brother asks why he doesn't have a partner and the brother replies, "You don't need a partner if you have a good hand !"