Sex Jokes

A young lady is in the hospital for an operation.

She says, "Doc, how long after my operation will I have to wait until I can have sex again?"

He says, "You know, Miss Stukowski, you're the first person who ever asked me that before a tonsillectomy!"

Did You her Bill Cliton tried to kill himself? Yea he try to O.D. on Viagra and beat himself to death!

There was a retarded duck farmer who had 2 sons, but only enough money to send one to college. So he came up with a fair way to choose who was to get the money. He called both of his sons into a room and gave them each a retarded duck and instructed them to go into the city. The one who made the most off the duck would win the money for college.

Well the first child, being the good child he was, scurried off to sell his duck. As he was walking, he saw a lady mowing her lawn. She jumped up from the mower and screamed, "IS THAT A RETARDED DUCK?!?" It sure is he replyed, and its for sale too! She said that she collected retarded ducks and would gladly pay him $10 for that duck, he agreed.

Well the other son being the "bad" kid went strait for the whore house. When he got there, a lady started hittin on him. He said he'd love to fuck her but he doesnt have any money, just this retarded duck. She thought about it for awhile and said, well I always did want a pet. So they go in the back and have "mad passionate animal sex." When they were done, the lady said she didn't want the duck anymore. He said he would gladly take the duck back if he could fuck her again, so they went at it again. The guy was pretty happy by now so he runs on home, he ran so fast that the duck got away from him and ran out in front of a car and got hit. The duck was clearly dead, so the lady being in the hurry that she was, gave the young man $25 compensation for the dead duck, then she sped off in her car.

When the two finally got home, the father once again called them into a room and said, "How much did you make," looking at his "good" son. The "good" son said $10, with a modest look on his face.

Then the dad glared at his other son and said, "How about you?" The bad son said, "well... I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and $25 for a fucked up duck!"

3 nurses go into the morgue, and there's a dead man's body lying there, with an erection.

The first nurse sees it, and says "I'm gagging for it", gets atop the man and has her way with it.

The second nurse says "Aye, so am I, shame to let it go to waste", and she does the same.

They turn to the 3rd nurse and ask her if she is having a go. She replies she is having her period, and declines. One of the nurses reply "He's dead anyway, he'll no bother". The last nurse agrees with this, gets on and does her thing too.

Just after she finishes, the dead man sits up. The nurses ask him "We thought you were dead!", and the man replies,"After two jump starts and a blood transfusion, you wouldn't be dead either!".

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
→ One in a million become a human being.

What is the difference in a Knights of Columbus and a Shriner?
→ A Knight is once a knight, always a Knight and the Shriners argue that once a night is enough for anyone!

I, Caesar, when I heard of the fame
To Cleopatra I straightway laid claim
Ahead of my legions I invaded her regions
I saw, I conquered, I came!

Tom's dream was to marry a sweet, innocent virgin.

He'd been going with Jane for a few months, when he decided to test her. As they drove along in the car, he unzipped his fly, turned to her and said, "Do you want to see my wee-wee?"

She yelled, "No! No! Please zip up your fly!"

Instead of being annoyed, Tom was happy.

On the eve of their engagement to be married, he tried the same thing, with the same result. Finally, on their wedding night, they were alone in the hotel room when he unzipped his fly again and said to her, "Honey, now that we're married you can now look at what I've got here," and proceeded to take out his dick.

She looked at it and said, "Oh, what a sweet looking wee-wee!"

Tom said, "No darling--you don't have to call it a wee-wee anymore; you can call it a cock."

She looked at it a while and then said, "No, Tom, what you have 'is' a wee-wee." A 'cock' is long, thick, and black!!!

There was a hooker with a bunch of other hookers. The police came, and said for all of the girls to line up.

Then the hooker's gramma came and said "Why are all of you girls lined up?"

The girl didn't want her gramma to know what she did for a living so the girl said "We're lined up to buy oranges"

The police talked to every girl individually, and when they got to gramma the police said "How do you do it, you're so old?!?"

Gramma says - "It's easy, just peel it down and suck it dry!"

What does the left leg of a nymphomaniac say to her right leg?
→ Nothing, they have never met.