Religion

Roses are red, violets are blue, I once thought I was ugly, until I saw you!

Just because you have one doesn't mean you have to act like one!

Baptists: only trouble is, they don't hold them under long enough.

A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't.

Men's brains are like the prison system - not enough cells.

Stupidity does not qualify as a handicap, park elsewhere!

You have a right to your opinions. I just don't want to hear them.

A short guide to comparative religions:

Taoism : Shit Happens.

Buddhism : If shit happens it's not really shit.

Islam : If shit happens it is the will of Allah

Protestantism : Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.

Judaism : Why does this shit always happen to us?

Hinduism : This shit happened before.

Catholicism : Shit happens cuz you are bad.

Hare Krishna : Shit happens rama rama.

T.V. evangelism : Send more shit.

Atheism : NO shit!

Jehovah's witness : Knock Knock Shit happens.

Hedonism : There's nothing like a good shit happening.

Christian Science : Shit happens in your mind.

Agnosticism: Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't.

Existentialism : What is shit anyway?

Stoicism : This shit doesn't bother me.

Rastafarianinsm : Let's smoke this shit.

Everyone thought God created man before woman. That is not true. In fact he created woman first, but with three boobs.

- God: So now that you are here how do you feel about yourself?

- Eve: Well to be honest I feel alright, however I don't think I need this center boob.

- God: We can correct that. There now how do you feel?

- Eve: I feel great!

(Looking at her hand...)

- Woman: Excuse me God?

- God: Yes

- Woman: Now what do I do with this usless boob?

POOF Man was created.

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers.

The first boy says, "My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, and they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, and they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

Taoism: Shit happens.
Buddhism: If shit happens, it's not really shit.
Islam: If shit happens, it's the will of Allah
Protestantism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.
Judaism: Why does shit always happen to us?!
Hinduism: This shit happened before.
Catholicism: Shit happens because you're bad.
Har Krisna: Shit happens, Rama Rama!
T.V. Evangelism: Send more shit!!
Atheism: No shit.
Jehovah's Witness: Knock knock, shit happens.
Hedonism: There's nothing like a good shit happenin'.
Christian Science: Shit Happens in your mind.
Agnosticism: Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't.
Existentialism: What is shit anyway?
Stoicism: This shit doesn't bother me.
Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit!

Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys, back on the ranch, about his first visit to a big-city church.

"When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral," Joe began.

"You mean the parking lot," interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow.

"I walked up the trail to the gate," Joe continued.

"The sidewalk to the door," Charlie corrected him.

"Inside the door, I was met by this dude," Joe went on.

"That would be the usher," Charlie explained.

"Well, the usher led me down the chute," Joe said.

"You mean the aisle," Charlie said.

"Then he led me to a stall and told me to sit there," Joe continued.

"Pew," Charlie retorted.

"Yeah," recalled joe. "That's what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside her."

One Sunday morning a little girl in her Sunday best was running so she wouldn't be late for church.

As she ran she kept praying, "Dear God, please don't let me be late to church.

Please don't let me be late to church...."

As she was running she tripped and fell.

When she got back up she began praying again...

"Please, God don't let me be late to church -- but don't shove me either!"

One day a boy and hid father were walking through the woods when the son spotted some rabbit droppings.

The boy asked hid Dad, "What are these Pop?"
"They're smart pills son," said his father. "Eat them and they'll make you smarter."

So he ate them and said, "Yuck...these taste like poop!"
"See," said his father, "you're already getting smarter!"

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100.

When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.

The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.

President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read:

Dear GOD,
Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those idiots deducted $95.00!

One Sunday morning a minister and a choirboy were getting the church ready for mass. The minister prepared his sermon while the choirboy filled the holy water fountain.

Suddenly, the choirboy burst into the minister's room and yelled, "father father, I just saw the most amazing thing! I filled the holy water fountain. Then a man came in on crutches. He moved to the fountain, dipped his left hand in the holy water, blessed himself and threw away his left crutch. Then he dipped his right hand in the holy water, blessed himself and threw away his right crutch. Then he turned to me ... and he took a step forward"!

The minister was awe struck by what he just heard. "My boy, he said, you just witnessed a miracle from God! Where's this man now?"

The Choirboy replies..."flat on his face in front of the holy water fountain"!

A team of archaeologists found a slab of rock with 5 figures carved on it, in order: A Woman, A Donkey, A Shovel, A Fish, A Star of David. After months of study, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings were thousands of years old but even so, they revealed a lot about the people of that time.

The woman being placed first in the line of figures showed that women were held in very high esteem - most likely a family oriented culture.

They probably used the donkey to till the fields.

The shovel shows they were highly intelligent as they knew how to make tools.

The fish shows they knew how to augment the crops they raised by also reaping from the sea.

The Star of David of course indicates they were a very religious group of people.

A little old man in the front row finally got the attention of the speaker.

When acknowledged he said, "I'm sorry to blow your conclusions but you were reading it left to right. In Hebrew we read from right to left.

That way it reads, "Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass on that Chick!"