Religion

Answers Given By Students To Test Questions On The Bible:

• The first book of the Bible is Guinessis.
• Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
• Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
• The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterward, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.
• The Fifth Commandment is humor thy mother and father. (I used this one alot when I was a kid...wait... I still do!)
• The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery. (Used by Bill Clinton... Monica who?)
• Moses died before he ever reached the UK. (Lucky for him that is.)
• Joshua led the Hebrews in the Battle of Geritol. (What...they launch their Depends at 'em?)
• The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still, and he obeyed him.
• David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.
• King David fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in the Biblical times. (and still alive and residing in Hackensack, N.J.)
• Solomon had 300 wives and 700 porcupines. (Hey...he needed the extra pricks.)
• The Jews were a proud people and, throughout history, they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals. (Hey testicle... I have headache. Aw SHUT UP an keep wandering!)

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands....

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.

"You're running around with other women," she told her mate.

"Eve, honey, you're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You know you're the only woman on earth."

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso.

"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," said Eve!

The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the Pacific Ocean. They all died and went to heaven together.

"Oh, this is terrible," exclaims St. Peter, "I know you guys think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those coincidences that happen. Since we weren't expecting you, your quarters just aren't ready... We can't take you in and we can't send you back."

Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone, "Lucifer, this is Pete. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They're ours, but we weren't expecting them, and we gotta fix the place up for 'em. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It'll only be a couple of days. What d'ya say?"

Reluctantly, the Devil agreed.

However, Two days later St. Peter got a call. "Pete, this is Lucifer. Hey you gotta come get these three clowns. This Pope fellow is forgiving everybody, the Graham guy is saving everybody, and that Oral Roberts has raised enough money to buy air conditioning!"

A driver tucked a note under her windshield wiper and dashed off: "I've circled the block for 20 minutes. I'm late for an appointment, and if I don't park here I'll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses."

Returning, she came back only to find a parking ticket and this note: "I've circled the block for 20 years, and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. . . Lead us not into temptation."

• Plan ahead... It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.
• Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something REALLY big.
• Don't listen to critics - do what must be done.
• Build on high ground.
• For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
• Two heads are better than one.
• Speed isn't always an advantage. The cheetahs were on board... but then so were the turtles.
• Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on earth.
• Don't forget that we're all in the same boat.
• When things get really deep, don't sit there and complain--shovel!
• Stay below deck during the storm.
• The ark was built by amateurs and the Titanic was built by professionals.
• If you have to start over, have a friend by your side.
• Remember that the woodpeckers inside are often a bigger threat than the storm outside.
• Don't miss the boat. Repeat... Do NOT miss the boat...
• No matter how bleak it looks, there's always a rainbow on the horizon.

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.

Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife!"

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a blood thirsty group of cannibals. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm doomed!"

There is a ray of light from the sky above and a voice booms out: "No my son, you are NOT doomed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."

So the explorer picks up the stone and attacks the chief, feverishly bashing at his head with all his strength. He stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 cannibals with a look of shock on their faces.

The voice booms out again: "Okay . . . . NOW you're doomed."

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud.

Finally, his big sister had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.

Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers!"

One day 3 men went to a shrine to ask the Father for forgivness.

The first man went to the Father and said:

- Father, Father I have sinned!

- What have you done?

- I have lied!

- Drink the Holy water and you will be saved.

And so the man drank the water and was "saved".

Then the second man went up to the Father and said:

- Father, Father I have sinned!

- What have you done?

- I have stolen from the jeweler's!

- Drink the Holy water and you will be saved.

And so the man drank the holy water and was "saved".

The third man went up to the Father and said:

- Father, Father I have sinned!

- What have you done?

- I peed in the Holy water!

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.

"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"