Religion

A man called to testify at the Revenue Canada, (Canada's IRS) asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his Priest, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.

"Let me tell you a story," replied the Priest. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel."

The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the Revenue Canada?!"

"Simple", replied the Priest...

"It doesn't matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed!"

Actual bloopers found on church bulletin boards:

• Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
• Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
• Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It is a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
• Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Taylors. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.
• The peace-making meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
• The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water.
• The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.
• Barbara C. remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
• The 'Over 60s Choir' will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire church.
• Missionary from Africa speaking at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine.
  Name: Bertha Belch.
  Announcement: "Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa."
• Announcement in a church bulletin for a National Prayer & Fasting Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer conference includes meals."
• Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use the large double doors at the side entrance.
• The associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge, Now Up Yours!"
• The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
• Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 pm. Please use the rear entrance.
• Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 pm in the recreation hall.
  Come out and watch us kill Christ the King!

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands.

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.

"You're running around with other women," she charged.

"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded.

"You're the only woman on earth!"

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.

"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," said Eve!

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural history museum.

"I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.

To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."

A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"

"Simple...there was a piece of paper in his hand that said - 'put me down for 10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."

A Missionary went to what he thought was an totally uninhabited island. He discovered that there were indeed people there, but the inhabitants of the island knew nothing of civilized culture.

The missionary decided that it would be in the natives best interest if he could teach them about civilization. He created small schools in huts and taught the natives how to read and write and do mathmetics.

He would take the natives one by one around the island, and teach them the correct words for objects that they would see. One day, the Missionary is walking around the island with one of the natives.

They walk past a tree. The Missionary points and says to the native, "Tree".

The native repeats, "Tree".

They continue further and come to a bush. The Missionary points to it and says, "Bush".

The native repeats the word, "Bush".

They walk around the bush - and lying on the ground behind it, is a native couple whoopi. The Missionary hopes that the native won't ask about it, but he does.

The native asks - "What is that? What are they doing?"

And the Missionary, looking for a quick answer replies, "Riding a bicycle. Those two people are riding a bicycle!" Instantly, the native pulls out his poison dart gun and kills the couple in the midst of their sexual act.

The Missionary is incredulous. Angered, he asks, "Here I am trying to teach you to be civilized and you kill two people! WHY did you kill those two people?! I told you that they were riding a bicycle!"

The native answers, "Him riding MY bicycle!"

A man was brought to the hospital, and taken quickly in for emergency surgery. The operation went well, and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.

"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"

"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.

"Can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.

"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."

"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun essayed.

"Just my sister in New York," he volunteered. "But she's a spinster nun."

"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not 'spinsters;' they are married to God."

"Really...wonderful," said Smith. "In that case, you can send the bill to my brother-in-law!"

Two Polish guys were taking their first trip to Warsaw on the train. A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas, which they'd never seen before. Each bought one.

The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his friend and said, "I wouldn't eat that if I were you."

- Why not?

- I took one bite and went blind for half a minute!

There were three guys walking together, a Newfie, a Quebecer, and a Vancouver guy. They came across a lantern and a genie popped out.

"I will give you each one wish; that's three wishes in total!"

The Newfie said, "I am a fisherman, my dad's a fisherman, and his dad was a fisherman, and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish". Poof! The oceans were full of fish.

The Quebecer was amazed! He said, "I want a wall around Quebec, so nothing will get in!" Poof! There was a wall around Quebec.

The Vancouver guy said, "Tell me more about this wall." The genie said, "Well it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out."

So, the Vancouver guy said, "Fill it up with water!"

Did You hear about the Redneck who...

• Spent four days in Sears looking for a miscarriage.
• Took his expectant wife for the grocery store because they had free delivery.
• Took a roll of toilet paper to a crap game.
• Put iodine on his pay check because he got a cut in pay.
• Was so lazy, he married a pregnant woman.
• Was feeling so low, he got his face slapped.
• Lost his girlfriend because he couldn't remember where he laid her.
• Thought asphalt was rectal trouble.
• Thought his typewriter was pregnant because it missed a period.
• Bought a union suit because his wife was having labor pains.
• Thought Peter Pan was something to put under the bed.
• Thought a sanitary belt was a drink from a clean shot glass.
• Smelled good only on the right side, he didn't know where to buy Left Guard.
• Studied for five days to take a urine test.
• Thought Moby Dick was a venereal disease.
• Went to the outhouse, put one leg in each hole, then crapped his pants.

Proof Positive that Jesus was Jewish:

1. His Bar Mitzvah was catered.
2. He lived at home until he was 30.
3. He swore his mother was a virgin.
4. And his Mother thought he was God.

Why do Italians not like Jehovah Witness'?
→ They don't like ANY Witnesses!

God was talking to Adam and Eve one day just before Creation. He asked, "Well, you two, I only have a couple more goodies left to hand out before my job is done. Which one of you wants to be able to pee standing up?"

Adam raises his hand and yells "Me, Me, pick me!!" So God obliged.

God looks at Eve and says - "Well, sorry Eve...but it looks like you're stuck with the multiple orgasms."

About two weeks before Christmas, a little Catholic boy decided to write a letter to Santa. He started "Dear Santa...", he thought "No, I will go to a higher authority", so he decided to write a letter to Jesus.

"Dear Jesus, If you get me a bike for Christmas, I will be good for two weeks.."

"NO NO NO NO I can't be good for two weeks", he thought to himself.

So he started all over again...

"Dear Jesus, If you get me a bike for Christmas I will be good for one week."

"NO NO NO NO I can't be good for one week", he thought to himself.

So he quickly ran to the Study room and grabbed their statue of Mary, and quickly wrapped it up in a blanket.

He started all over again.

"Dear Jesus, I have your mother...if you ever want to see her again...get me a bike for Christmas!"

After years of his wife's pleading, this good ol boy finally goes with her to her little local Church on Sunday morning. He was so moved by the Preacher's sermon that on the way out he stopped to shake his hand.

He said, "Reverend, that was the best gawd damn sermon I ever did hear!"

The Preacher replied, "Oh!! Why, thank you sir, but please...

I'd appreciate it if you didn't use the Lord's name in vain!"

The man said, "I'm sorry Reverend, but I can't help myself, it was a good gawddamn sermon!"

The Reverend said, "Sir, PLEASE, I cannot have you behaving this way at Church"!

The man said, "Okay Reverend, but I just wanted you to know that I thought it was so gawddamn good, I put $500.00 in the collection plate!"

And the Reverend said, "NO SHIT?!"