Religion

- Examiner: I think you know very little, if anything at all, about the Bible. Can you quote any passage?

- Student: 'Judas departed and went and hanged himself.'

- Examiner: Well, that's a surprise. Can you quote another?

- Student: 'Go thou and do likewise.'

How do Religious Education teachers mark exams?
→ With spirit levels.

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She walked around to look at the artwork.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like.

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

What do you get when you cross a Jehova's witness with a business man?
→ A door to door salesman!

The congregation was sitting and waiting for the preacher to began his sermon when two masked men burst into the church and said "Whoever is not willing to take a bullet for Jesus better leave now." More than half of the congregation jumped up and ran out the door.

The two men took off their masks, sat in the front row and said, "Okay, Reverend, you can preach now. All the hyprocrites are gone."

Morris was passing a small courtyard and heard voices murmuring.
He went in and saw an altar with a large zero in the middle and a banner that said 'N I L'.
White-robed people were kneeling before the altar chanting hymns to The Great Nullity, The Blessed Emptiness, and The Big Zero in the Sky.
Morris turned to a white-robed observer beside him and wispered, ....
...... "Is Nothing Sacred?"

At the first session of a conversion class the minister conducting the class asked, "What must we do before we can expect forgiveness from sin?"

After a long silence, one of the men in attendance raised his hand and said:

"Sin?"

Knowing that the minister was very fond of cherry brandy, one of the church elders offered to present him with a bottle on one consideration - that the pastor acknowledge receipt of the gift in the church paper.

"Gladly," responded the good man.

When the church magazine came out a few days later, the elder turned at once to the "appreciation" column. There he read:
"The minister extends his thanks to Elder Brown for his gift of fruit and for the spirit in which it was given."

An old rabbi is talking with one of his friends and says with a warm smile, "I gladdened seven hearts today."
"Seven hearts?" asks the friend. "How did you do that?"
The rabbi strokes his beard and replies, "I performed three marriages."

The friend looks at him quizically.
"Seven?" he asks. "I could understand six, but..."
"What do you think" says the rabbi, "that I do this for free?"

A minister was asked by a politician, "Name something the government can do to help the church."

The minister replied, "Quit making one dollar bills."