Religion

Is there a God?
→ A billion Hindus can't be wrong.

The new Vicar was up early one Sunday morning, walking round his new parish, after leaving his wife in bed with the Sunday papers, her cup of tea, and a pack of cigarettes. One of the old villagers came up to him and said.

"Good morning Vicar, how be you and the wife?" The Vicar said, "Good morning my man, I am fine, the wife is fine also as I left her in bed smoking." The villager said, "Arr, Vicar, that's the way to fuck 'em!"

What do you get when you cross a Jehova's Witness with a Hell's Angels motorcycle gang member????
→ Someone who comes to your door and tells you to fuck off!

Three nuns went to a cucumber stand in an open market one day.

They asked how much the cucumbers were. The merchant said that they were 4 for a dollar. The nuns said okay.

The puzzled merchant asked why they needed four cucumbers when there were only three of them.

A nun answered back, "Well, we could alway eat one."

This guy unexpectedly got the day off and decided he would spend it on the golf course. After arriving at the club house, he was told that the only way he could play today was if he was willing to play along with three nuns. He agreed and set off with the nuns in tow. At the first hole he said, after you, and the nuns insisted that he go first. He took a giant swing and sliced it into a nearby bunker.

"Goddammit!" he said.

"Oh, my, please refrain from using that kind of language around us." said the nun. "I'm so sorry, ma'am, it won't happen again." The nun gets up to the tee and her ball travels about twenty yards, hits a tree, and bounces back behind them. "Well shit, Goddamn, hell, fuck!" exclaims the nun. "Hey, what did you tell me about that?" asks the man. "Yeah, well, you didn't hit a fuckin' tree."

This fellow comes to confession. "Father, he said, forgive me for I have sinned."

The priest asked, "What did you do, my son?"

"I lusted," the fellow replied.

"Tell me about it," the priest said.

The fellow then related his story. "Father, I am a deliveryman for UPS. Yesterday I was making a delivery in the affluent section of the city. When I rang the bell, the door opened and there stood the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She had long blonde hair and eyes like emeralds. She was dressed in a sheer dressing gown that showed her perfect figure. And, she asked if I would like to come in."

"And, what did you do, my son?" asked the priest.

"Father, I did not go in the house but I lusted. Oh, how I lusted," replied the man.

"Your sin has been forgiven," replied the priest. "You will get your reward in heaven, my son."

"A reward, father? What do you think my reward might be?" the fellow asked.

The priest replied, "I think a bale of hay would be appropriate, you jackass."

A man walked into a gift shop that sold religious items. Near the cash register he saw a display of caps with "WWJD" printed on all of them. He was puzzled over what the letters could mean, but couldn't figure it out, so he asked the clerk.

The clerk replied that the letters stood for "What Would Jesus Do", and was meant to inspire people to not make rash decisions, but rather to imagine what Jesus would do in the same situation.

The man thought a moment and then replied, "Well, I'm damn sure Jesus wouldn't pay $17.95 for one of these caps."

Waxing eloquent on the sins of the flesh, the dynamic young preacher raised himself to full height, leaned over the pulpit and boomed, "Brothers and sisters, if there are any among you who have committed adultery, may your tongue cleave to the woof of your mouf!"

The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret and he tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional.

She says, "Father, I never wears panties under my habit."

The priest chuckles and says, "That's not so serious. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers and do five cartwheels on your way to the altar.

Why do priests wear shorts in the shower?
→ They don't like to look down on the unemployed.