Relationships

Two newlyweds went on their honeymoon and were getting undressed together for the first time. He took off his shoes and socks and his toes were all twisted and discolored.

"What happened to you feet?" his wife asked.

"I had a childhood disease called tolio."

"Don't you mean polio?"

"No, tolio, it only affects the toes."

He then removed his pants and revealed an awful looking pair of knees. "What happened to your knees?" she asked.

"Well, I also had kneesles."

"Don't you mean measles?"

"No, kneesles, it only affects the knees."

When he removed his shorts his wife gasped and said...

"Don't tell me, you also had smallcox!"

1. Man: "Haven't we met before?" Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."
2. Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?" Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
3. Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants." Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."
4. The rebuttal to a turn-down: Man: "Want to Dance?" Woman: "No thanks." Man: "Don't thank me, thank God because somebody asked you."
5. Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?" Woman: "It's in the phone book." Man: "But I don't know your name." Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
6. Man: "So what do you do for a living?" Woman: "Female impersonator."
7. Man: "You know, I'd really love to travel to exotic places with you." Woman: (tries to ignore him) Man: "You know what? I also love sex. What do you say to that?" Woman: "Hmmm...you really love sex and travel?" Man: (nods his head smiling) Woman: "Then go take a fuckin' hike!!!"
8. I like the line I once heard in a movie. This guy was trying to pick up this girl, and she said to him, "Can you pound a railroad spike through a 2x4 with your hard-on?" To which he merely shudders a negative. She says, "Well, a girl's gotta have her standards."
9. Man: "Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?" (Would you like to go to bed with me tonight?) Woman: "Je voudrais bien, mais je n'ai rien a porter." (I would love to, but I have nothing to wear)
10. What sign were you born under?
    → No Parking.
11. A guy comes up to a girl and tells her some pick-up line. She grabs his crotch, looks down at it, looks back at him, and says, "Sorry, I don't see any potential here" and nonchalantly walks off.
12. And here's one including the correct snappy return Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?" Woman: "Unfertilized, fuck off!"
13. After hearing a pick-up line: Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."
14. A girlfriend of mine once had a graying man in his 60's approach her in a club while she was in college with the line, "Where have you been all my life?" She took one glance at him and said, "For the first half of it, I probably wasn't born yet."
15. A friend of mine came up with a very quick response over vacation. We were walking down the street and I glanced at a girl who had just walked by. She turned around and said to me, "What are you looking at?" My friend, walking next to me came to the rescue, "He thought you were good looking, but he was mistaken."
16. While at college, a few friends were discussing how their "passes" had been rejected by the intended female recipient. One of the ladies explained how she handled it once... When the guy, obviously getting irritated, blurted out something like, "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason!" She responded, "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!" He immediately blanched, and decided that maybe he would look someplace else.
17. The attractive young woman was sitting at the bar, alone, when the lounge lizard made his move. "I'm here," he breathed huskily, "to fulfill your every sexual fantasy." The woman turned and looked at him. Her lips parted and she moistened them with the tip of her tongue. She leaned toward him with her hands on her thighs, and her eyes opened to the size of dinner plates. She paused just a second and then delivered the crusher line, "You've got a large donkey or Doberman?"
18. "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."
19. Man: "Hey, baby, if you come home with me, I can show you a really good time." Woman: "You know what your problem is? Your mouth is writing checks that your body can't cash."

Any argument that a man and woman are involved in, the woman gets the last word. Anything a man says afterwards is the beginning of a new argument.

A man marries a woman, expecting she will never change, and she does. A woman marries a man expecting he WILL change, and he doesn't.

A bronzed, blonde male surfer type was visiting Boston to attend a friend's wedding. Sitting at the bar at the reception, sucking up his fourth beer, he caught sight of a stunning brunette, whom he had noticed earlier in the church, as she came through the door. His eyes never left her until she was seated on the other side of the bar from him. He got up, slowly walked around the bar to where she was sitting. After pausing on his approach for her to look over his magnificent tanned body, he recited one of his better lines and then bluntly asked if she wanted to 'leave this dump' and go to his hotel room to "Ya know, get to, like, know each other better." She rolled her eyes in disbelief, immediately responding with, "I'm afraid that my awareness of your proclivities regarding the esoteric aspects of sexual behavior precludes any such erotic confrontation." He stared blankly at her, somewhat stunned. After several seconds of embarassed silence, he finaly admitted, "Huh? I don't get it!" "Exactly!" she said as she got up, turned on her heel, and left, leaving him standing there in puzzlement.

Two elderlies are rocking on the porch at the home. "Bet you can't guess how old I am," he says. "Bet I can," she says. "Bet you fifty dollars you can't tell me how old I am," he says. "You're on," she says.

"Stand up." He stands up. She looks him up and she looks him down. "Now turn around," she says. She looks him up and she looks him down. "Now, turn back around . . . and drop your pants," she says. He drops his pants and she looks him up . . . and she looks him down . . . "you're 86," she says. He's dumbounded. "By golly, woman, you're right. I am 86. How'd you know?" She rocks and smiles.

"You told me yesterday!"

Rules that guys wished girls knew...

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present!
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, and monster trucks.
8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like ever other cat.
9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
10. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
11. Shopping is not a sport.
12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
13. You have enough clothes.
14. You have too many shoes.
15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot, and your dad's way past idiot.
17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
18. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
19. Pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
20. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes - what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
21. Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
23. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.
24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
25. Check your oil.
26. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
27. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
28. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz in Cosmo together.
29. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
30. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
33. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - but not both.
35. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
36. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
37. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
38. Consider golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.
39. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty, and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.
40. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
41. Anyone can buy condoms.

This guy woke up one morning and saw his girlfriend with coat on and her bags packed. He said "What are you doing?"

She said "I'm leaving you because I heard you were a pedofile."

And the guy responded "Pedofile! That's a pretty big word coming from a twelve year old!"

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."

He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."

To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."

"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!!"

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours.

He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"

She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a cake."

He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"

She replied, "Hellooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate Julie was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I can't find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote, "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read, "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom."

Have You heard about the new Divorce Barbie Doll?
→ It comes with all of Ken's stuff!