Relationships

How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex?
→ Phone her.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

A couple was having some trouble, so they did the right thing and went to a marriage counselor. After a few visits, and a lot of questioning and listening, the counselor said that he had discovered the main problem.
He stood up, went over to the woman, asked her to stand, and gave her a hug.
He looked at the man and said, "This is what your wife needs, at least once a day!"
The man frowned, thought for a moment, then said, "OK, what time do you want me to bring her back tomorrow?"

Scott finally got his girlfriend into bed, and things were going hot and heavy.

"Slow down, baby," she said. "Foreplay is an art."

"You better get your canvas ready soon," he panted, "because I'm about to spill my paint!"

- Gerald: Have you ever come across a man who, at the slightest touch, caused you to thrill and tremble in every fiber of your being?

- Mabel: Yes, the dentist.

- Dentist: There goes the only woman I ever loved.

- Assistant: Why don't you marry her?

- Dentist: I can't afford to. She's my best patient.

Why did the dentist make a poor date with the manicurist?
→ Because they fought both tooth and nail!

Phoning the florist to order some flowers for her lover's funeral, woman was caught off guard when asked what message she wanted on the card. "Message?" she sputtered.

"Well, I guess, 'You will be missed.'" Visiting the funeral home, she was pleased that her floral tribute had arrived but mortified that the card had her exact words: "I guess you will be missed."

- My dance partner dumped me for my best friend.

- Why? Was he a better dancer?

- Don't know, I never met him.

- I've been invited to an avoidance.

- An avoidance? What's that?

- It's a dance for people who hate each other.