Random joke from this category
Did you hear about the hillbilly who went into the hardware store to buy a chain saw?
He said I want one that will cut down at least 10 trees a day.
He was back at the hardware store with the saw a couple days later complaining that it only cut one tree and that took all day.
The clerk at the hardware store started the saw to see what the problem was.
The hillbilly jumped back and said what the hell is that noise?
After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough (they could not afford a larger double-wide). So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in 'Bama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.
Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . . ", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand...
State of Kentucky 12th Grade Reading Test
TEST #1
MR Ducks
MR Knot
SAR
CM Wangs
LIB
MR Ducks
TEST #2
MR Snakes
MR Knot
SAR
CM BDI's
LIB
MR Snakes
TEST #3
MR Farmers
MR Knot
SAR
CMMT Pockets
LIB
MR Farmers
TEST #4
MR Mice
MR Knot
SAR
CMEDBD Feet
LIB
MR Mice
Name:
Nickname:
CB Handle:
Model: Color:
Address (RFD No.):
Daddy (If unknown, list 3 suspects):
Mamma:
Neck Shade:
[ ] Light Red / [ ] Medium Red / [ ] Dark Red
Number of teeth exposed in full grin: Upper Lower
Name of Pickup owned:
Height of Truck:
Truck equipped with:
[ ] Gun Rack / [ ] 4-Wheel Drive / [ ] Confederate Flag / [ ] 8-Track Cassettes / [ ] Load of Wood / [ ] Hijacker Shocks / [ ] Radar Detector / [ ] Mag Wheels / [ ] Dual CB Antennas / [ ] Spittoon / [ ] Camper Top / [ ] Air Horns / [ ] Mud Flaps / [ ] Toothpick Holder / [ ] Mud-Grip Tires / [ ] Raccoon Hide / [ ] Big Dog / [ ] Hunting Rifle
Number of empty beer cans on floorboard or in bed of pickup truck:
BUMPER STICKERS:
[ ] Eat more Possum
[ ] My other car is a piece of shit too
[ ] Honk if you love Jesus
[ ] If you ain't a cowboy you aint shit
[ ] Redman Chewing Tobacco
[ ] Wave if you're horny
[ ] Don't Like My Driving? Dial 1-800-Eat-Shit
[ ] If You Can Read This, Then You's Too Smart For Kentucky
[ ] I Brake For Nuthin'
[ ] National Rifle Association
Define the following (must be 90% correct):
Favorite Vocalist:
[ ] Reba McEntire / [ ] Conway Twitty / [ ] Loretta Lynn / [ ] Hank Williams Jr. / [ ] Randy Travis / [ ] Ray Wylie Hubbard / [ ] Tammy Wynette / [ ] Slim Whitman / [ ] Porter Wagoner / [ ] Willie Nelson / [ ] George Jones / [ ] Box Car Willie
Favorite Recreation:
[ ] Square Dancin' / [ ] Possum Huntin' / [ ] Skinny Dippin' / [ ] Craw Daddin' / [ ] Gospel Singin' / [ ] 4-Wheelin' / [ ] Drankin' / [ ] Spittin' Backy / [ ] Bill Chip Throwin' / [ ] Honky Tonkin' / [ ] Noodlin' / [ ] Other
Name of Son(s):
[ ] Bubba / [ ] Jim Bob / [ ] LeeRoy / [ ] J.D. / [ ] Bill Lee / [ ] Bob Lee / [ ] Duke
Name of Daughter(s):
[ ] PammySue / [ ] Violet / [ ] Paulette / [ ] Daisy
Weapons Owned:
[ ] Deer Rifle / [ ] Sawed-Off Shotgun / [ ] Varmit Rifle / [ ] Log Cabin / [ ] Tire Iron / [ ] Power Chain Saw / [ ] Pick Handle / [ ] Hick'ry Switch
Number of Dogs: Type:
[ ] Blue Tick / [ ] Beagle / [ ] Black & Tan / [ ] Bird Dawg
Cap Emblem:
[ ] John Deer / [ ] McCullock Chain Saws / [ ] Budweiser / [ ] Vo-Tech / [ ] Skoal / [ ] Coors / [ ] NAPA / [ ] Smile if You're Not Wearing Underwear / [ ] N.R.A. / [ ] Redman / [ ] Kodiak
Number of Dependends: Legal: Claimed:
Number of Weeks Unemployed:
Number of Welfare Checks Received:
Memberships:
[ ] KKK / [ ] NRA / [ ] Moose / [ ] PTL Club / [ ] AA / [ ] Bass Club / [ ] VFW / [ ] Quiltin' Bee / [ ] American Legion / [ ] United Sons/Daughters of the Confederacy / [ ] John Birch Society
Length of Right leg: Length of Left leg:
Number of Testicles Shot off in 'Nam: Number of Testicles Left:
Does your truck contain some part painted the offical state color of Primer Red? [ ] Yes [ ] No
How many cars do you have jacked up on blocks in your front yard?
How many kitchen appliances will you keep on your front porch?
Will you wear mostly double-knit polyester pants with snags?
Do you own any shoes? [ ] Yes [ ] No If yes, how many?
What year did you last purchase shoes?
Are you married to any of the following: [ ] Sister / [ ] Cousin / [ ] Sow
Do you know her name?
Does your wife weigh more than your pickup?
Can you sign your name and get the spelling right every time?
Have you ever stayed sober for a whole weekend?
If so, why?
Can you count:
Past 10 with your shoes on?
To 21 with your fly up?
Do you know any words that have more than four letters?
Have you ever had more than one bath in a week?
Medical Information:
Do you have at least two of the following:
[ ] BO / [ ] Crabs / [ ] Head Lice / [ ] Rabies / [ ] Trench Mouth / [ ] Runny Nose / [ ] Bad Breath / [ ] Chafing
IF YOUR APPLICATION IS TURNED DOWN BY THE STATE OF KENTUCKY, YOU MAY BE ELIGIBLE IN THE STATES OF TEXAS, OKLAHOMA, OR ARKANSAS. THEIR STANDARDS ARE SLIGHTLY LOWER, HOWEVER, YOU WOULD STILL BE ABLE TO VISIT KENTUCKY.
First name: ...................
Last name (if known): .......................
Address (where you live):
Mother's name (list also relation, i.e., sister): ..................
Birthdate (yours): ....................
Father's name (if known, if not, list two possible choices): ..............
Color of neck: Light Red( ) Medium Red( ) Dark Red( ) No Neck( )
Year of pickup truck: ............
Do you have the following in your truck:
Fuzzy Dice( ) Gun Rack( ) Coon Tail( )
Filled ash tray( ) Used Condoms( )
Dead Road Kill( ) Dog of Unknown Breed( )
Have you ever been to a large city? (Like Little Rock) Yes( ) No( )
How far can you throw cow pies? ..........
Do you eat cow pies? Yes( ) No( )
Wife's name: .................. Is she: Cousin( ) Neighbor( ) Sister( ) Mother( ) Neighbor's dog( ) Right hand( )
Does your wife weigh: Less than 200 Pounds( ) Less than 300 Pounds( ) Less than a 747( ) More than a 747( )
Do you know what a 747 is? Yes( ) No( )
How much smarter than you is your wife: 50 IQ Points( ) 75 IQ Points( ) 100 IQ Points( ) She Won't Tell Me( )
Does your wife wear: A Dress( ) Pants( ) Hot Pants( ) Your Pants( ) Them Lawyer Clothes( ) Nothing( ) Nothing but an Arkansas U Hog Head Hat( )
Color of wife's hair: Blonde( ) Red( ) Brown( ) Black( ) Bald( )
Did you understand the previous questions: Yes( ) No( ) What does "previous" mean?( ) Huh?( ) All of the Above( )
Have you ever had (check all that apply): Herpes( ) Jock Rot( ) The Drip( ) Roids( ) Zits( ) Smelly Feet( ) Toe Jam( ) Bad Breath( ) Tit Munge( ) Ear Wax( ) Long Nasal Hairs( ) Brown Nose( )
Have you ever:
Castrated a Pig( ) Been Castrated by a Pig( )
Danced to Achey Breaky Heart( ) Had an Achey Breaky Heart( )
Been Mistaken for Elvis( ) Had Fantasies about Toto( )
Had Fantasies about Dorothy and Toto( )
Had Fantasies about Gilligan( )
Had Fantasies about Gilligan and the Skipper Too( )
Inhaled( )
Where was your last Elvis sighting? ................ On what date? ...........
Can you count past five: Yes( ) No( ) Past ten: Yes( ) No( )
Explain in ten words or less why on Earth you want to be Governor of Arkansas:
Signature (or 'X' if you can't write) ................................
State of Arkansas Residency Application
Name: ................ (last)
( ) Billy-Bob
( ) Billy-Joe
( ) Billy-Ray
( ) Billy-Sue
( ) Billy-Mae
( ) Billy-Jack
(Check appropriate box)
Age: ....
Sex: .... M ..... F ..... N/A
Shoe Size: .... Left .... Right
Occupation:
( ) Farmer
( ) Mechanic
( ) Hair Dresser
( ) Un-employed
Spouse's Name:
Relationship with spouse:
( ) Sister
( ) Brother
( ) Aunt
( ) Uncle
( ) Cousin
( ) Mother
( ) Father
( ) Son
( ) Daughter
( ) Pet
Number of children living in household: ...
Number that are yours: ...
Mother's Name:
Father's Name: (If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
Do you ( )own or ( )rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)
... Total number of vehicles you own
... Number of vehicles that still crank
... Number of vehicles in front yard
... Number of vehicles in back yard
... Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Firearms you own and where you keep them:
.... truck
.... bedroom
.... bathroom
.... kitchen
.... shed
Model and year of your pickup: ............. 194_
Do you have a gun rack? ( ) Yes ( ) No; please explain:
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
( ) The National Enquirer
( ) The Globe
( ) TV Guide
( ) Soap Opera Digest
( ) Rifle and Shotgun
... Number of times you've seen a UFO
... Number of times you've seen Elvis
... Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe:
( )Weekly
( )Monthly
( )Not Applicable
Color of teeth:
( )Yellow
( )Brownish-Yellow
( )Brown
( )Black
( )N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
( )Red-Man
How far is your home from a paved road?
( )1 mile
( )2 miles
( )don't know
How can you tell if a blonde is a redneck?
→ If she can chew tobacco and suck dick at the same time and still know which one to spit out.
What do you call the temperature between two West Virginians?
→ Relative Humidity
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw an unusually beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled, and said, "Business. The annual Sexual Education Convention in Chicago."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for sex education!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really," he said. "What myths are those?"
"Well," she explained. "One popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed, when in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait."
"Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent.
"We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry", she said. "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."
Your mounted deer head sports a baseball cap and sunglasses.
