Redneck Jokes

WORLD FAMOUS SOUTHERN TALK
BECOME A NATIVE SOUTHERNER
How to talk native SOUTHERN in one easy lesson

• Aig - What a hen lays
• Aints - He's got aints in his paints
• Paints - What cha put on your laigs of a mornin
• Arn - Ma's tard of arnin
• Bag - He bagged her to marry him
• Bobbed - A bobbed wire fence
• Bresh - He had a bresh with the law, and the law won.
• Bub - the light bub burned out
• Cheer - What you set in
• Crick - A small stream
• Clum - He sure clum that tree fastern any 'coon
• Chiny - country over in Asia
• Chuch duds - Sunday go-to-meetin clothes
• Core - He got hisself a new Ford core
• Cyow - Animal on Farm
• Deppity - He helps out the shurf
• Dribbed - He dribbed milk on his shirt
• Dainz - Satidy night social
• Ellum - A graceful tree
• Fanger - What you put your rang on
• Faince - Whats round the hawg lot
• Far - What get the brandin arn hot
• Furred - He got furred from his job
• Flar - A rose is a purdy flar
• Frash - Them aigs ain't frash
• Furiners - All non-'bamans
• Further - Hits ten miles further to town
• Grain - She was grain with envy
• Hail - Where bad folks go
• Hep - Poor George, he can't hep it, he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth.
• Hern - It aint hern, it's his'n
• Hilbilly - People in the next county
• Hollar - Whats between the hills
• Hard - Got a brend new hardhand
• Tar - His core blew a tar
• Laymun - A sour fruit
• Laig - Most folks have two of them
• Lather - What you climb up
• Liberry - Where you go to check out books for larnin
• Mailk - what you get from cyows
• Mere - What you see your self in
• Minners - Live bait
• Misrus - Married Woman
• Nar - Opposite of wide
• Nayk - Your head sets on it
• Nup - No
• Orrel - Them hinges need orrel
• Ormy - What the sojers go in
• Pank - A light red color
• Parch - Sit out on the parch and watch the grass grow
• Petition - What separate the rooms
• Poke - A paper bag or sack
• Pokey - What the shurf and deppity puts crimnals in
• Poke Salit - A green vegetable
• Puppet - What the preacher is in
• Purdy - She is purdy as a pitcher
• Purt near - Almost; he purt near caught that greased pig
• Rang - You wear it on your fanger
• Rut - That there tree sure has long ruts
• Rah cheer - I was born rah cheer in town
• Rainch - A big cow farm
• Rat - Do it rat now!
• Rench - Rench the soap yourself
• Roont - She plum roont her shoes
• Salary - A stringy vegetable
• Soardeens - Small canned fish
• Shar - A light rain
• Gully Worsher - A medium heavy rain
• Toad strangler - A heavy rain
• SodyPop - A soft drink
• Sprang - Water out'n the ground
• Shurf - The Shurf put Clem in jail
• Storch - This here aprn has to much storch in it
• Skeered - that plumb skeered me to death
• Thanks - He shore thanks he's smart
• Tho - Tho me the ball
• Thoat - I shore got a sore thoat
• War - A bobbed war fance
• Worsh - Go worsh your face
• Warter - What you worsh your face in
• Yurp - A continent overseas

10. The monitor is up on blocks.
11. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
12. The six front keys have rotted out.
13. The extra RAM slots have truck parts installed in them.
14. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
15. The password is "Huntin".
16. The CPU has a gun rack mount.
17. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
18. The keyboard is camouflaged.
19. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".

• Backup - What you do when you sight a skunk in the woods.
• Bar code - Them's the fight'n rules down da local tavern.
• Bug - The reason you is a giv'n for calling in sick.
• Byte - What yer pit bull dun to cusin Jethro.
• Cache - Needed when you go to da store.
• Chip - Yer cusin's uncle's mother's boyfriend's name.
• Terminal - Time to call da undertaker.
• Crash - When you go to Junior's party uninvited.
• Digital - The art of counting on your fingers.
• Diskette - A female Disco dancer.
• Hacker - Uncle Leroy after thirty years of smoking.
• Hardcopy - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.
• Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair.
• Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.
• Mac - Big Bob's favorite fast food.
• Megahertz - How your head feels after seventeen beers.
• Modem - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall.
• Mouse pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live.
• Network - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line.
• Online - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test.
• Rom - Where the pope lives.
• Screen - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch.
• Serial port - A red wine you drink with breakfast.
• Superconductor - Amtrak's Employee of the year.
• Scsi - What you call your week-old underwear.

This hillbilly is traveling across Texas when a state policeman pulls him over.

"You got any I.D.?" the patrolman asked.

"'Bout what?" the hillbilly replied.

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.

The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a police roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"

"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."

"What fer?", asked Bubba.

"Just let me do the talkin', OK?," said Earl.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight & put label on each of their foreheads.

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"

"No, sir," said Earl while pointing at the labels. "We're on the patch."

Two Virginia rednecks go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment - the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. I mean they spend a fortune!

The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.

As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realise that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?"

The other guy says, "Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"

"Old Jethro's next door's a-makin' moonshine again." the wife told her husband.

"How can you tell ?" he asked. "Did you smell it ?"

"Nope. But a bunch of mice from over to his place came over here this morning and beat the shit out of our cats . . ."

Some men go on a hunting trip and separate into pairs. That evening one hunter, Sam, returned to camp alone toting a 12 point buck. "Where's George?" one of the men asked, noticing that Sam had returned alone.

"He's about 6 miles back. He tripped and broke his ankle. I left him there 'cause I figured ain't nobody 'bout to steal him."

A hill country husband died and left everything to his wife.

He put a provision in his will though that she couldn't touch any of it until she turned 14.

A redneck calls up the White House and tells the receptionist: "I'd like to become the next President of the United States."

- The receptionist: What are you, an idiot?

- Redneck: Why, is it required?