Ouch

May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the crotch of the person who screws up your day and may their arms be too short to scratch.

Amen

The new FDA milk labeling rules are so strict, it's now illegal to print a picture of a missing fat kid on a carton of skim milk.

What is grosser than gross?
→ Having a dream about chocolate pudding and then waking up with a spoon in your butt.

There were these three morticians talking about their greatest feats. The first one says, "I had this soldier who stepped on a land mine. Took me three days to get him ready for an open casket funeral!!" The next guy says, "oh yeah? I had this construction worker fall 15 stories, then he got run over by a steam roller, but I had him ready for an open casket funeral in two days!!!" The third guy sulks in the corner, "man. both y'all got me beat. I had this lady parachutist who landed on the empire state building. it took me four days just to get the grin off her face."

A pedophile dies in a car crash and goes to heaven. He's stopped at the pearly gates by St. Peter, who is really miffed: "You swine. How can you have the audacity to try and enter heaven after you have lead such a perverted, ungodly life. Do you think you have a snowballs chance in hell of meeting god?"

"Fuck God... I'm after the baby Jesus."

What would Princess Diana be doing right now if she were alive today?
→ Scratching on the lid of her casket.

What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?
→ A quarter-pounder with cheese.

The young widow was kneeling at her husband's grave tending to the weeds, when she felt the grass rustle beneath her skirt. She smiled and said "Easy sweetheart, you're dead now ya know."

What did the Jewish paedophile say to the little boy after luring him into his car?
→ Hey, go easy on those fucking sweets.

What happened to the Irishman who tried to kill himself by swallowing 100 pain killers?
→ After two he began to feel better.