Ouch

And then there was the Newfie who was found dead in his jail cell with twelve bumps on his head. He'd tried to hang himself with a rubber band.

Two Virginia boys, Sonny and Rick, went out hunting and split up. Sonny heard some rustling in the bushes and, by mistake, shot his friend.

After trying to remove the bullet, he carried Rick to a doctor.

Two hours later, after the physician had patched up the wounded hunter, Sonny asked, "Please, Doc. How's my friend?"

"Well," answered the M.D., "he'd be a lot better off if you hadn't taken out his gut!"

Some men go on a hunting trip and separate into pairs. That evening one hunter, Sam, returned to camp alone toting a 12 point buck. "Where's George?" one of the men asked, noticing that Sam had returned alone.

"He's about 6 miles back. He tripped and broke his ankle. I left him there 'cause I figured ain't nobody 'bout to steal him."

Did you hear about the man in the electric chair who asked the executioner to reverse the charges?

Two cannibals just finished a big meal and one turns to the other while rubbing his stomach with his fist and says, "You know, I just ate my mother-in-law, and she still doesn't agree with me!"

A husband and wife were shopping when the wife said, "Darling, its my mother's birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her? She would like something electric." The husband replied, "How about a chair?!?"

- Bob: Did you hear about the camper who was killed by a garter snake?

- Betty: That's impossible. A garter snake is not poisonous.

- Bob: It doesn't have to be if it can make you jump off a cliff!

Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars." The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore.
Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred dollars?" The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law." The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"

How many Mafia hitmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ Three. One to screw it in, one to watch, and one to shoot the witness.

Did you hear about the man who jumped in the Hudson River?
→ He committed sewercide.