Ouch

Mother Mary held her daughter, 20 minutes under water.

Not to save herself from troubles, but just to see the funny bubbles!

- Kids: Hello Miss Saunders, can Johnny come out to play?

- Mother: I am sorry kids but you know Johnny has leprosy,

- Kids: Well, then can we come in and watch him rot?

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by a fierce tribe. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."

The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some poison, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it down.

The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over --the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled, and screams, "What are you doing???"

The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, "So much for your canoe, asshole!"

Rejected Hallmark Cards:

So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day... Look at the bright side, she's a really good lay.

My tire was thumping... I thought it was flat... when I looked at the tire... I noticed your cat... Sorry.

You had your bladder removed and you're on the mends... here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends.

You've announced that you're gay, won't that be a laugh, when they find out you're one of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! 'Cause when I had mine I got real snippy.

Heard your wife left you... How upset you must be... But don't fret about it... She moved in with me.

Your computer is dead... it was once so alive Don't you regret installing Windows 95?

You totalled your car... and can't remember why... could it have been... that case of Bud Dry?

Once, there were two bikers driving down the highway on a cold afternoon.

"Man!" commented one... "it's FREEZING!!! and my coat won't zip up. The cold air is killing me!!"

The other biker thought for a minute as they sped down the road. "Well," he said at last... "you can turn your jacket around, then the open side would be at the back. You wouldn't get so cold that way."

"Great idea!" commented the other. "stop and let me switch."

The driver pulled over, and the passenger put his jacket on backwards.

"There!" he said when he had completed the switch. "I feel better already."

The two of them climbed back on the motorcycle and drove off. Then, suddenly they hit a patch of ice on the road, and spun off and crashed. A few minutes later a crowd had gathered, and when the ambulance arrived, the EMTs shouted out "Is anybody hurt?"

One guy from the crowd replied "Well, the driver was dead when I got here, and the other guy was doing alright until we fixed his head."

Children's worst book titles!

• You Were an Accident
• Strangers Have the Best Candy
• The Little Sissy Who Snitched
• Some Kittens Can Fly!
• Getting More Chocolate on Your Face
• Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
• Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
• The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Animals of North America-Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!
• All Dogs Go to Hell
• The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
• When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer, They Say God Did It
• Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
• What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?
• Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
• Bi-Curious George
• Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
• You Are Different and That's Bad
• Dad's New Wife Gerald
• Pop! Goes The Hamster-And Other Great Microwave Games
• Testing Homemade Parachutes With Your Household Pets
• The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad
• Babar Meets the Taxidermist
• Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
• The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables
• Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Your Mom's Purse
• The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy
• Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
• The Care Bears Maul Some Campers And Are Shot Dead
• How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School
• Controlling the Playground: Respect through Fear

Once Santa Claus went to Ethiopia, to give the children some words of confort.

He was there, with all those bony kids all around, and then they started yelling: "WE WANT TOYS!! WE WANT TOYS!!!"

But then Santa, remembering his important job of orientating children to behave well, said: "A child who doesn't eat right doesn't get toys!!!"

How do you make a dead baby float?
→ Two scoops of ice cream and one scoop of dead baby.

What has four legs and an arm?
→ A happy pit bull.

Why does Hellen Keller use one hand to masturbate?
→ Because she uses the other to moan.