Ouch

OUCH! A couple hobbled into a Washington emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his around his waist, and the woman had hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man. While in the act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused herto clamp down on the man's member and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go.

Lorena Bobbitt had just cut off her husband's penis. She was driving down the road, wondering what to do with it, when the thought struck her to toss it out the window. The penis bounced off the windscreen of the car travelling in the opposite direction.

"Shit," said the driver to his passenger. "What kind of bug was that?"

"Dunno," he replied. "But did you see the size of the cock on it?!"

Q: How did Captain Hook die?

A: Jock itch.

St. Peter meets Mother Theresa at the Gates Of Heaven and says, "You were a good woman. I'm giving you a nice halo."

Mother Theresa is walking around Heaven when she sees Princess Di, and the Princess has a much bigger halo.

Mother Theresa goes back to St. Peter and says, "St. Peter, I spent most of my adult life helping the poor and the sickly. Princess Di did no where near the amount of charitable work I did. Why does she have a bigger halo?"

St. Peter says, "That's not a halo. That's a steering wheel."

A man walked into the clubhouse and noticed a friend sitting in a corner wearing a neck brace.

He sat down and asked his mate what happened.

"Well, I was playing golf and I hit my ball into the rough," replied his friend.

"Then I met a chick who was looking for her ball too. Finding mine, I thought I'd give her a hand. There was a cow nearby and I noticed that every time the cow twitched its tail there was a flash of white. So I went over to it and lifted its tail and sure enough there was the ball. I called out to the chick and said, 'Lady, does this look like yours?' And the bitch hit me in the neck with her driver!"

Ed and Ted met for the first time in twenty years. "So, how's life been for you?" Ed asked.

"Not too good," Ted replied. "My first wife died of cancer, my second wife turned out to be a lesbian and ran off with another woman and took all our savings, my son's in prison for trying to kill me, my daughter got run over by a bus, my house was hit by a low-flying aircraft, my vintage car rolled off the dockside into the sea, I had to have my dog put down recently, my doctor says that I have an incurable disease and to cap it all my business has just gone bust."

"Oh dear, that sounds terrible." Ed said. "What business were you in?"

"I sell lucky charms," said Ted.

A door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his newterritory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, andbefore she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow pattiesall over the carpet.

He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning up thathorseshit, I'll eat every chunk of it." She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"

He Salesman says, "why do you ask?"

She says "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."

A little girl was walking along a beach in California whenshe came across a man with no clothes on and just a newspapercovering his genitals.

The little girl said, "What do you have under that newspaper, Mister?"

The man said, "Nothing, it's just a bird, now go away!"

The man thought nothing of her and quickly fell asleep.

Hours later, the man woke up in a hospital bed in excrutiating pain.

"Where the hell am I?"

A doctor replied, "Someone called 9-1-1 and said you needed emergencyhelp, so we rushed you right over."

"Well, what the hell happened to me?"

"We don't know, son. Do you remember anything unusual happeningto you today?"

The man said, "Well, there was a little girl bugging me justbefore I fell asleep." The doctor sent someone to the beach to see if the little girl wasstill there, and she was. The person said, "Do you know what happenedto that nice man you saw here earlier?"

"Well," the little girl said, "I started to play with that nice littlebird that he had and the damn thing spit on me. So, I wrung its neck,broke its eggs, and set its nest on fire!"

A young man fell in a pit one day, and found a magic lamp with a genie inside of it. The genie said, 'I will grant you three wishes.' The man's first wish was to get out of the pit. POOF He was instantly transported out. He then wished for all the gold in the world. POOF The genie gave him all the gold nuggets in the world, all the gold bars, all the gold pebbles, etc. The man could not think of anything for his third wish, so he went out for a ride in his Ferrari. He turned on the radio, and after a few minutes, his favorite song came on. He decided to sing along: 'Oh, I wish I were an Oscar Meyer Weiner...'

Two men and a woman were the sole survivors of a pleasure cruise shipthat sank in the Bermuda Triangle. They made it to an uninhabited island.

Two weeks later the woman jumped off a cliff because she was so ashamedof what she was doing.

Two weeks after that the two men buried her because they were so ashamedof what they were doing.

Two more weeks passed by and the men dug her up again--being so ashamedof what they were doing.