Ouch

Back in the Old West three Texas cowboys were about to be hung for cattle rustling. The lynch mob brought the three men to a tree right at the edge of the Rio Grande. The idea was that when each man had died, they'd cut the rope and he'd drop into the river and drift out of sight.

They put the first cowboy in the noose, but he was so sweaty and greasy he slipped out, fell in the river and swam to freedom.

They tied the noose around the second cowboy's head. He, too, oozed out of the rope, dropped into the river and got away.

As they dragged the third Texan to the scaffold, he resisted, "Please! Would yaw'l tighten that noose a little bit? I can't swim!"

If you had a gun and you were being chased by a bull and a mountain lion, which one would you shoot first?
→ The mountain lion. You can always shoot the bull!

What's the difference between Bill Clinton and David Koresh?
→ Koresh only burned 85 people.

What does Teddy Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes he did?
→ A dead girlfriend.

What is the best thing to take when you're run over?
→ The number of the car that hit you.

A motorist ran into a shop.

"Do you own a black and white cat?" he asked. "No," replied the manager.

"Oh dear," said the motorist, "I must have run over a nun."

What's black and white and red all over?
→ A nun in a car accident.

After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks, and insane regulations at the department of motor vehicles, I stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for my son. I brought my selection - a baseball bat - to the cash register. "Cash or charge?" the clerk asked.

"Cash," I snapped.

Then, apologizing for my rudeness, I explained, "I've spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau."

"Shall I giftwrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly. "Or are you going back there?"

What do you say to a one legged hitch-hiker?
→ Hop in.

A quadruple amputee is waiting at the bus stop.

The bus pulls up.

Driver says "alright John, how you getting on today?"