Military Jokes

A unit of soldiers was marching a long dusty march across the rolling prairie. It was a hot blistering day and the men, longing for water and rest, were impatient to reach the next town.

A rancher rode past.

"Say, friend", called out one of the men, "how far is it to the next town?"

"Oh, a matter of two miles or so, I reckon," called back the rancher.

Another long hour dragged by, and another rancher was encountered.

"How far to the next town?" the men asked him eagerly.

"Oh, a good two miles."

A nearly half hour longer of marching, and then a third rancher.

"Hey, how far's the next town?"

"Not far," was the encouraging answer, "only about two miles."

"Well," sighed the optimistic sergeant, "thank God, we're holding our own, anyhow!"

These are actual phrases from Officer Efficiency Reports (performance appraisal for the military officers).

• "Not the sharpest knife in the drawer."
• "Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching."
• "A room temperature IQ."
• "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
• "A gross ignoramus---144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
• "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
• "A prime candidate for natural deselection."
• "Bright as Alaska in December."
• "One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests."
• "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
• "Fell out of the family tree."
• "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
• "Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
• "He's so dense, light bends around him."
• "If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate."
• "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
• "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
• "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
• "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
• "Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes."
• "Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby."
• "Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

The physical training instructor was drilling a platoon of soldiers.

"I want every man to lie on his back, put his legs in the air and move them as though he were riding a bicycle," he explained. "Now begin!"

After a few minutes, one of the men stopped.

"Why did you stop. Smith?" demanded the officer.

"If you please, sir," said Smith, "I'm freewheeling for a while."

The following is supposedly a true story relating to an actual sailor's experience in the Army.

After turning in from a four to eight watch the seaman overslept and missed muster. When questioned he said: "Due to my metabolic inability to cope with change I did not respond to external stimuli and remained in a comatose condition."

The C.P.O., who didn't understand a word, listened to this report with awe and sent the sailor to the psychiatrist.

An Army recruiter delivered a windy pep talk to encourage a group of college students to join the VOLAR. But the culminating point of his oration was greeted with cat calls, whistles and projection of rotten eggs and an assortment of no less rotten vegetables and fruits.

A visitor asked a student: "Why you throw tomatoes at the man and now you are applauding him?"

"We want an encore. I still have some tomatoes left!" explained the student.

A ranger outfit was having training in mountain climbing. One of the men slipped and began falling into a precipice.

"Are you hurt?" asked another.

"I don't know yet," a weak voice was heard, "am still falling!"

Two young soldiers were exchanging their experiences of the service in the Army.

"My sergeants are wonderful", said one soldier.

"I wish I could say the same about mine," said the other.

"You could if you could lie as I do."

A famous admiral and an equally famous general were fishing together when a sudden squall came up. When it died down both eminent warriors were struggling helplessly in the water.

The admiral floundered his way back to the boat and pulled himself painfully in. Then he fished out the general, using an oar.

Catching his breath, he puffed: "Please don't say a word about this to anyone. If the Navy found I can't swim I'd be disgraced."

"Don't worry," the general said. "Your secret is safe. I'd hate to have my men find out I can't walk on water."

When little Reggie was inducted into the Army, he was advised to act tough.

"That's the only way to command respect in the Army," his friends said.

So Reggie did his best to carry out the advice. He swaggered all around camp, bragging, blustering and talking out of the corner of his mouth.

"Show me a sergeant and I'll show you a dope," Reggie shouted.

No sooner had he spoken than a brawny, battle-hardened figure appeared.

"I am a sergeant!" he bellowed.

"I am a dope," whispered Reggie.

Three Marines were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks.

The first Marine said "those are deer tracks."

The second Marine said "No, those are elk tracks."

The third Marine said "You're both wrong, those are moose tracks."

The Marines were still arguing when the train hit them.