Military Jokes

During an army basic training, the lieutenant took the batch on a match and asked each of them where home was.
After everyone had answered, he sneered and said "you are all wrong, the army is now your home".
Back at the barracks, he read the evening duties, then asked the first sergeant if he had anything to say "you bet I do" the sergeant replied, "men, while you were gone today, I found beds improperly made, clothes not hanging correctly, shoes not shined and footlockers a mess.
Where do you think you are? Home?

A retired sergeant was asked: "Well, how do you like civilian life?"
"Terrible," he said gruffly, "all those people around and nobody in charge!"

General Heath, a famous lover of parade music and marching drill ceremonies, once listened to a symphonic orchestra playing.
When asked about his impressions, he commented:
"No military precision in drill..."
"Why?"
"Did you see those violin players? They were moving their bows not in cadence."

Why did King Kong join the army?
→ To learn about gorilla warfare.

What did General Patton do on Thanksgiving?
→ He gave tanks.

After the fire-truck arrived at a burning building in a small Spanish town, the firemen observed a man dressed in a matador's costume prancing around on the roof. Four of the firemen held a safety-net and urged him to escape from the burning building by jumping into the net. He refused and loudly proclaimed, "I'm Fearless Jose the bullfighter who fears nothing, not even fire."

The firemen begged and pleaded but to no avail. Jose kept prancing around while repeating the same phrase over and over until the firemen got really sick and tired of hearing it. Finally, when the flames began to scorch his butt, Jose announced he had changed his mind, was ready to jump and then leaped off the rooftop. As his body hurtled toward the safety-net, the four firemen shouted, "Ole!" and quickly moved it aside.

The officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier. With considerable bravery, the GI ran directly onto the field of battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier. In a hail of bullets, he dove back to safety.

"Private," the officer said, "I'm recommending you for a medal. You risked your life to save the locations of our secret warehouses."

"Warehouses?" the private shouted. "I thought you said whorehouses!"

Two Marines were sitting around talking one day.

The first Marine asked the second Marine, "If they were to drop a bomb right now, what would be the first thing you would do?"

The second Marine said, "I would screw the first thing that moved. What would you do?"

The first Marine replied, "I would stand very still for half an hour."

The officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier. With considerable bravery, the GI ran directly onto the field of battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier. In a hail of bullets, he dove back to safety.

"Private," the officer said, "I'm recommending you for a medal. You risked your life to save the locations of our secret warehouses."

"Warehouses?" the private shouted. "I thought you said whorehouses!"

Two guys are on duty at a french foreign legion fort. One says to the other one, "See that camel over there? I'll bet you I can make him jump 30 feet in the air."

The other guy says "No way".

The first guy walks around to the back of the camel with two bricks, reaches in between the camel's legs and crashes the bricks together. The camel jumps 30 feet in the air.

A couple of days later the first guy says to the second guy, "I bet you I can make that camel nod his head yes, then shake his head no."

The second guy says, "You got me last time, but there's no way you can make that dumb animal nod his head yes then shake it no."

The first guy takes the same two bricks, walks around to the front of the camel, holds up the bricks and says, "Remember what I did last time?" (Camel nods). "Want me to do it again?"