Military Jokes

What do you call 1,000 heavily armed lesbians?
→ Militia Etheridge

A retired four-star general ran into his former orderly, also retired, in a Manhattan bar and spent the rest of the evening persuading him to come work for him as his valet.
"Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in the army," the general said. "Nothing to it - you'll catch on again fast."

Next morning promptly at eight o'clock, the ex-orderly entered the ex-general's bedroom, pulled open the drapes, gave the general a gentle shake, strode around the other side of the bed, spanked his employer's wife on her bottom and said, "OK, sweetheart, it's back to the village for you."

A knight and his men returned to their castle after a hard day of fighting. "How are we faring?" asked the king.
"Sire!" replied the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies to the west."
"What?" shrieked the king, "I don't have any enemies to the west!"
"Oh!" said the knight, "Well, you do now."

What do you call a dentist in the army?
→ A drill sergeant!

A chemist, a shopkeeper and a teacher were sentenced to death by firing squad. The chemist was taken from his cell and as the soldiers took aim he shouted "Avalanche!" The soldiers panicked and in the confusion the chemist escaped. The shopkeeper was led out next. As the soldiers took aim he shouted "Flood!" and escaped. The teacher was then lead out. The squad took aim and the teacher, remenbering how the other two had escaped, shouted "Fire!"

An English prisoner of war was held by the Germans. The Englishman was shot all over the place, and okay until one day when the German told him, "Englander, your arm is infected with gangrene vee must cut it off."

The English prisoner said, "Well, okay, but could you drop it over England when you go bombing?"

The German replied, "Ya, that vill not be a problem."

A few weeks later the German tells the Englishman that they have to cut his other arm off. The Englishman says, "Well, could drop it over England like you did last time?"

"Ya, that vill be done," says the German.

The next day the German tells him that they have to cut his leg off.
Once again the Brit says, "Well, could you do the same as before?"

The German replies, "Vhy, ya."

The next the German tells him they have to cut his other leg. "Well," begins the Brit, "could you just..."

The German snapped, "No! We think you are trying to escape!"

What is the difference between Bill Clinton and Elvis?
→ Elvis was drafted and served proudly in the Army.

Why did Clinton waffle on military action in Bosnia?
→ His area of expertise is dodging armed conflict.

Why did Clinton choose Canada as the site for his summit with Yeltsin?
→ So he could look up some college buddies who moved up there during the war.

Why did Bill go out to sea on an aircraft carrier?
→ To promote off-shore drilling.