Men Jokes

What do men have in common with toilet bowls, aniversaries, and clitorises?
→ They miss them all.

What kind of clothes are there?
→ women: clean & dirty
Men: Clean, almost clean, sorta clean, not bad, dirty, really dirty, nasty, biohazzard. (Men will voluntarily wear all but the last classification of these clothes).

How do you get a man to do situps?
→ Glue the TV remote between his ankles...

When I was in jr. high, all I wanted was a girl with big breasts...

In high school, I dated a girl with big breasts, but there was no passion.. So I decided I needed a passionate girl.. In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.. Everything was an emergency, she cried all the time. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability.. I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited about anything. So I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.. I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She was directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.. After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her. She was so ambitious, she divorced me and took everything I owned.. Now all I want is a girl with big breasts..

A MAN'S SCHEDULE

1. Get up.
2. Pass gas.
3. Drink cup of black coffee.
4. Pass gas.
5. Dress, skipping shower because "alarm didn't work".
6. Pass gas.
7. Log on to computer to check porn site before leaving for work. Pass gas while "enjoying" favorite site.
8. Drive to work. Pass gas at stop light. Open window to air out car.
9. Get to work at MacDonalds. Pass gas in bathroom (for all patrons to enjoy). Forget to wash hands.
10. Lunch. Double cheesy cheeseburger and supersized fries. Pass gas.
11. Arrive home. Pass gas. Have a beer. Pass gas.
12. Tell wife you want sex. Belch. Finish early, belch and fall asleep.
13. Get up at 3 A.M. waking wife but instead of finishing her off, return to computer to talk in the chat rooms - imagining what a stud you are, chatting with all those "gorgeous women" online. Pass gas.

A new two year degree is being offered at LIFE UNIVERSITY that many of you should be interested in: BECOMING A REAL MAN. That's right, in just six quarters you, too, can be a real man, as well as earn an AA degree (AA Real Men). Please take a moment to look over the program outline.

FIRST YEAR:

Autumn Schedule

• MEN 101 Combating Stupidity
• MEN 102 You Too Can Do Housework
• MEN 103 PMS - Learn When To Keep Your Mouth Shut
• MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings For Christmas

Winter Schedule

• MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques
• MEN 111 Understanding The Female Response to Getting In At 4 a.m.
• MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End With Conception
• EAT 100 Get A Life, Learn To Cook
• ECON 001A What's Hers Is Hers

Spring Schedule

• MEN 120 How NOT To Act Like An Asshole When You're Wrong
• MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence
• MEN 122 YOU, The Weaker Sex
• MEN 123 Reasons To Give Flowers
• ECON 001B What's Yours Is Half Hers (Must Pass ECON 001A)

SECOND YEAR:

Autumn Schedule

• SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep Without It
• SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower
• MEN 201 How To Stay Awake After Sex
• MEN 202 How To Put The Toilet Seat Down
• ELECTIVE (See Electives Below)

Winter Schedule

• MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
• MEN 211 How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
• MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be A Designated Driver
• MEN 213 Honest - You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise - Especially Naked
• MEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 1

Spring Schedule

• MEN 220 Omitting @&*%$#* From Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)
• MEN 221 Fluffing The Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary
• MEN 222 Real Men Ask For Directions
• MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging Is NOT Considered Foreplay
• MEN 230B Her Birthdays And Anniversaries Are Important 2

Course Electives

• EAT 101 Cooking With Quiche
• EAT 102 Utilization of Eating Utensils
• EAT 103 Burping And Belching Discreetly
• MEN 231 Mother-in-Law
• MEN 232 Appear To Be Listening
• MEN 233 Just Say, Yes Dear
• ECON 001C Cheaper To Keep Her (Must Pass ECON 001B)

What's so great about being a dick?

1. You've got a head with no brains.
2. Two nuts follow you around all day.
3. Your neighbor is an asshole.
4. Your best friend is a cunt!

What makes a man think he's so great?

1. He has a belly button that won't work.
2. He has tits that won't give milk.
3. He has a cock that won't crow.
4. He has balls that won't roll.
5. He has an ass that won't carry a thing.

Department of the Treasury
Internal Revenue Service
Washington, D.C.

To: All Male Taxpayers
RE: Notice of increase of tax payment
Form 1040 - P

The only thing that the IRS has not taxed yet is your penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 30% of the time it is pissed off, 20% of the time it is hard up, and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of this, it has two dependents and both are nuts.

Accordingly, as of April 1, 1998, your penis will be taxed according to size. To determine your category, please consult the chart below and confirm this informatin on page 2, section 7, line 3, on the Standard Form 1040.

• 10-16 inches Luxury Tax $50.00
• 8-10 inches Pole Tax $30.00
• 5-8 inches Privilege Tax $15.00
• 4-5 inches Nuisance Tax $5.00

Please note: Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund. Please do not ask for an extension!!!!!!

Additionally, males exceeding 12 inches must file under Capital Gains.

Sincerely,
Peter Checker
Internal Revenue Service

Are YOU A HARD MAN?

1. When reaching your sexual climax do you?
   a) Make low moaning sounds in her ear.
   b) Suck on her neck to produce a love bite.
   c) Shove your thumb up her arse so she screams her tits off.
2. You're in bed one night and she whispers "I love you". Do you?
   a) Whisper back "I love you too".
   b) Put your arse on her leg and fart.
   c) Say "Go to sleep dog breath".
3. After you have made love to your wife do you?
   a) Hold her in your arms until she falls asleep.
   b) Wipe your dick on her nightie and turn over.
   c) Tell the bitch to go get in with the kids.
4. If you break wind during the night do you?
   a) Try and cough at the same time and hope she didn't hear.
   b) Hold her head under the covers laughing your bollocks off.
   c) Blame her and give her a boot.
5. If she breaks wind do you?
   a) Be a gentleman and pretend you didn't hear.
   b) Clout the bitch.
   c) Say "you dirty bitch" and shove her out in the back yard.
6. You come home early and find her in bed with a big buck negro. Do you?
   a) Close the door quietly and clear off.
   b) Join in and stick it up the negro's arse.
   c) Dowse them both with petrol and set fire to the cunts.
7. Your toilet's in the bathroom, you're busting for a crap and she's in the bath. Do you?
   a) Go next door and use theirs.
   b) Yell "Move it goat face, the fuckin tortoise head's out of the shell".
   c) Sit next to her making noises like a flock of starlings taking off.
8. You want sex but it's rag week. Do you?
   a) Wait until next week.
   b) Wank.
   c) Get your face in there and come up looking like the man on the Ribena ad.
9. She announces she is leaving you. Do you?
   a) Break down in tears and beg her to stay.
   b) Put up streamers and arrange a street party.
   c) Empty your nostrils in her face, kick her in the cunt, then get pissed.
10. She tells you she's having an unwanted baby. Do you?
    a) Tell her not to worry, we'll manage somehow.
    b) Belt her in the guts with a cricket bat.
    c) Sell the house, clean out the bank account and scarper.

SCORE: a) 1. b) 2. c) 3.
0 - 15. If brains were spuds, you'd own Ireland.
15 - 29. You must try harder.

30. Congrats. You're one of the boys.